GARDEN OF HOPE - Writers Forum

Beatrice Boyle · 10-04-2003, 02:58 AM

I awoke to a lark this morning
announcing the start of day.
As I reached over to touch you
I remembered to my dismay...
You are gone

I saw a rainbow after the rain
a kaleidoscope in the sky.
I couldn't find you to tell you
Then I remembered why...
You are gone

I walked alone in the garden
you tended with such care.
Without you, nothing grows
the earth is parched and bare...
Because you are gone

A flock of birds are chirping
from the feeders that you hung.
Why should they be singing
When all my songs are sung...
Now that you are gone

Then a gentle breeze ruffled my hair
and I felt that you were near.
I thought I heard you whisper
"I'm right beside you dear...
I am here!"

Beatrice Boyle · 10-04-2003, 03:15 AM

Here's another sappy, cliche ridden, trite offering from Grandma Bea, and I offer it (without apology)for what it is...all of the above. (We should have a special category for this type of poem/verse... maybe we should call it "Tearjerkers!")

As long as it touches the heartstrings...I don't care what you call it, as long as it flows! If it speaks to someone who is grieving and lessens their pain...I'm satisfied.

By the way, I welcome criticism on structure etc,
just not the sentiment! As I said before, it is, what it is!

**Penelope** · 10-04-2003, 07:24 AM

Oh Bea! Don't fret about being sentimental!

It's how we communicate our feelings.

I think the first line could be pared down. I awoke to the lark this morning. Something like that. I think the poem could benefit with removing some words while keeping the sentimentality sweet. I get a little curious as to you starting each line with a capital even though you haven't put a period at the end of the previous one.

Rage2Fury · 10-04-2003, 09:06 AM

Beautiful Bea... I thought that this could use som removing of words also, but don't get me wrong, "I Love It." So don't make too many changs if you choose to make them at all. *smiles*

Beatrice Boyle · 10-04-2003, 07:04 PM

Thanks guys, for your comments. You're both correct...too many words, I'll rewrite it.

Pen, as for the style...no punctuation, capitol letters et al, When I went to school, that's how we wrote it, and my word processor, automatically changes it (Capitols at the start of a new line) whether I want it or not! Don't know how to change it! That's why I.m here...to learn!

Who said an old dog can't learn new tricks!

Beatrice Boyle · 10-06-2003, 01:47 AM

Pen and Steven, I have edited the poem as you suggested...take a look and let me know what you think! Thanks.

Rage2Fury · 10-06-2003, 09:53 AM

Wonderful... it seemed to flow much better for me. Sounds much better... *smiles*

Darkshine · 10-06-2003, 12:28 PM

I didn't read this before, but I like it as it is. Indeed, it is a sweet, sentimental piece about losing someone close to you. It shines for what it is. I've been struggling a lot with someone close to me going away (perhaps not in the way you discussed in this poem), and so this truly brought tears. I think the only thing that holds it back is the repetition of the like "you are gone" at the end of each stanza, it seems to break the rythmn. However, that could just be me.

Wondeful poem, as I said. Keep it up.

AdamR · 10-06-2003, 01:06 PM

Wonderfully written. It expressed emotion of the loss of a loved one very well. It also flows very well.
Good Job!

**Penelope** · 10-06-2003, 01:32 PM

Bea - this is so much better. It flows with grace now. (one of these days I am simply going to leave in all the 'typing' my cat does just to confuse people)

Beatrice Boyle · 10-06-2003, 03:06 PM

Thanks guys, you were a big help. I had been adding words at various times, because i thought it sounded "sing songy!" without it, but I'll try it as it comes to me, and see what you think.