Nabraska

There were tingles and tangles
sounds and speed;
chirping crickets through small squares—
screen.
Shadows shaking as paint peels
to provide darkness,
some time.
Second slip by as imagery
is passes before eyes
focusing on a future event.
or events. dreams.
How different is the raw expectation
from that of the actual, experience?
to act, To live out.
Conversation between:
pen, pad, and thought; heart racing
pores expanding.
Skins grown cold in the
absence of light; warmth
felt between the two—
communication.


It's just a small piece that was created in my mind....I would appreciate any comments...good or bad. Thankx Nabraska

Darkshine

I'm definately feeling alot of emotion behind this piece of work Nabraska. However, I think the poem itself needs some developement. The rhyme scheme seems a bit akward. Try going line by line and working out a more even flow. A couple places I got tripped up:

"chirping crickets through small squares-
screen"
Try shortening this and making it one line.

"Second slip by as imagery
is passes before eyes
focusing on a future event.
or events. dreams."
Stay in one tense, present or past. Also, try making this shorter as well.

Sorry if this sounds a bit harsh, I just wanted to give you my perspective on this because I really feel your off to a good start. This piece has a lot of potential! And of course, this is my fallible opinion. I may be completely off...

Keep it up!

__________________
"The trouble with poets is they talk too much."
-Paul Mulvey

Nabraska

thanks. I'll do some revision when I get a chance. And you weren't harsh, honesty never is. thanks.

Darkshine

Good to see you're not offended!

__________________
"The trouble with poets is they talk too much."
-Paul Mulvey