godisthyname

Them and Us

We follow not the rules our brothers do,
Is this then reason to love us not?
They do such things that we despise,
Though they do love it so.
We have appetites they do not comprehend,
Though we do not comprehend theirs.
They twist and turn amongst their young,
Thus odium comes to life.
Our pride cannot be vanquished,
Like the love for our fellow man.

Darkshine

I actually like the imagery behind this poem. I like the idea you're trying to get across. I think it could benefit from a rhyme scheme though. At this point, it just doesn't flow...but other than that, very nice.
I like the first two and last two lines particularly.
If it had more flow, I'd be raving.

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"The trouble with poets is they talk too much."
-Paul Mulvey

godisthyname

hmm well its a joint effort. 2 of us wrote it today as a joke - took 10 minutes actually and it was meant to be a joke about gay pride. ah well

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My king! my Jove! I speak to thee, my heart!

Darkshine

Interesting. Are you looking to improve it or are you just showing it to us? (no offense)

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"The trouble with poets is they talk too much."
-Paul Mulvey

Nabraska

You say it was meant as a joke toward gay pride but I see alot of politics in it--Bush, America, the World, Iraq, etc...that's just what I got from it.....definitly feelin' it though

Rage2Fury

As I look read ove rit again I can see where Nabraska is coming from. You really can see a political side to it.

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~Steven-Denmark~
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"Remember Forever and Never Forget"
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"You're never too old for Rock'N'Roll, because it's in your heart and in your soul."

godisthyname

The reason it was written was too try to reinforce a point I had previously raised - that of ambiguity. My main criticism of a lot of work I've seen on this forum is that it is too explicit - get some implicitness and ambiguity in there and the imagery becomes richer as each new person who reads the poem can interpret it in a different way.

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My king! my Jove! I speak to thee, my heart!

wrighty306

A fantastic poem Mark, a little help from me. Ha ha!

godisthyname

yes but the crux of the arguement is mine alone

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My king! my Jove! I speak to thee, my heart!

wrighty306

Yeah, ok I will let you have that one!

SD

you know how I read it? I read it with the thought that this is two white biggots talking...someone talking about love only among their fellow men...

PS. We take poems posted here seriously (well, usually), so if you post something that you just farted out of your backsides during a 5-minute break, don't be suprised we analyze it here.

And, furthermore, I pride myself in having a certain amount of non-lucidity to my poems, as Penelope will testify

SD

Fantasia

Funny you should say that you just dished this out as a joke, yet to me it was the most thought-provoking one in your line-up of work. Hehe. X'D

In spite of your intent to belittle us all , I'd still like to give my two cent worth about your poem. I thought it was about being different from others, about being despised for it, yet in the reversal of things, *they* are different from you, and do you despise them for it also? Maybe.


"In the land of the blind, the one eyed man is king. But what becomes of him in the land of the sighted?"

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"God says he can get me out of this mess, but he's pretty sure you're f%#ked." --Stephen, from "Braveheart"

godisthyname

i never said i wanted to belittle anybody. the point of the poem may have been a joke but it was meant to encourage other people to write ambiguous poems

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My king! my Jove! I speak to thee, my heart!