viveleroi0

critique away!

Tomorrow

I cherish the experience of night-life in my city.
It’s a visual representation of the future;
For we may not see events past the boundaries of light;
Yet still we gaze blindly into the undrawn tomorrow.

We’re astounded by the infinite possibilities,
Apparent in outcomes derived from choices made today, -
Which may have unforseen implications on the future.
Why then, be not timid in the blank face of the unknown?

Experiences gained from discoveries made yesterday,
Become healthier answers for questions asked tomorrow.
This chain of knowledge may simply lead into nothingness,
Maybe not. Yet the path of learning has but one price to pay:

Failing to find your personal joys,
Leaves you unhappy until the dire end.

CrimsonDawn85

Hi,
There are just a few grammatical/spelling errors. I'm good at picking them out in other peoples writing but I can't seem to do it in mine. Probably because I never proof read.

1. I cherish the experience of night-life in my city. Night-life is actually nightlife. You don't need the hyphen.

2. Which may have unforseen implications on the future. You need an e in unforeseen.

I like this. You right poetry like me: straight out without messing around. I'm not really a poet so I can't give you advice on the poetic side of this but I can fix the little problems. Good luck with this.

__________________
"If the world didn't suck we'd all fall off"

Penelope

What got to me about this poem was the length of the lines. I found it a bit too wordy for the message you were bringing. It's a great idea and you have some very good imagery. I won't critique the punctuation cause mine sucks.

Try paring it down a bit. I'll give you one example.
Apparent outcomes from today's choices.

I did notice you were succinct in your ending.

__________________
"Trees cause more pollution than automobiles do." Ronald Reagan ~ 1981

Poetry Editor @ Sacred Twilight

Darkshine

I'll have to agree with Penelope on this one. I really liked the images you were creating, but it definately did get lost in the words. I look forward to reading more of your work, you seem inspired!

__________________
"The trouble with poets is they talk too much."
-Paul Mulvey

SD

You right poetry like me
WOHOO, spelling bee time!

SD, feeling particularly wordy today EEEP, be afraid, be very afraid! No, talking about the wordiness of the poem. We are used to shorter lines, aren't we, but I don't mind the Walt Whitman'sih lengths of lines either. They are trickier to make flow, is all. You have to carefully select the words...boldly go where no one has gone before...

SD