SD

Night, sweet day,
your time is up,

as ironies go.

Some might say
you fall real slow,
others know the transit's fast and
barely do we say
hello
I love you
stay with me
when regret steps in

and you forget.


Edited and dedicated to P and D, you know who you are

Darkshine

Interesting SD. I'm liking the meaning behind this poem and at the same time stumbling over the flow of it all. I can relate to this one...definately.

This reminds me of the changing seasons, but it definately seems to be hinting at something deeper. What do you say?

__________________
"The trouble with poets is they talk too much."
-Paul Mulvey

Penelope

this is another deep one! Cut it out!

I would add some line breaks towards the end.
Like this:

others know the transit's fast
barely do we say
hello
I love you
stay with me
when regret steps in

and you forget

__________________
"Trees cause more pollution than automobiles do." Ronald Reagan ~ 1981

Poetry Editor @ Sacred Twilight

SD

Yep, the lines...I was going for the urgency of the dialogue there, hence I put them in one line like that...trying to make it seem that they are all said in one fast breath.

'cut it out'? BOHOO, you don't wanna read my poems anymoore...
(did I mention I am sensitive? )

sniff...

Darkshine, I am afraid I went with the flow on this one, it just poured out of me. Give me a few hours and I'll come up with a deep hidden meaning (trying my damndest to be 'deep', drowning in the process - - I am caught !) Well, this poem is about time and love (I am in)

SD, the post first - think later poet

Penelope

Urgency wasn't conveyed by that long sentence. Simply because it draaagggged on. Maybe using dashes between the words?

others know the transit's fast
barely do we say-hello-I love you-stay with me
when-regret steps in

Nope, I think it looks 'faster' with the line breaks. Having meaning in seemingly simple words is an art. So stop sniffling ..... please?

__________________
"Trees cause more pollution than automobiles do." Ronald Reagan ~ 1981

Poetry Editor @ Sacred Twilight

Darkshine

Ah, love! Often an inspiration whether for better or for worse. I can empathize.

__________________
"The trouble with poets is they talk too much."
-Paul Mulvey

SD

Well, I edited it for you some, P and D

You were right about the line breaks. Yet, there's a fine *line* between line breaks making pauses and line breaks that speed up the reading. Well, if you want sloooow, you can always make a new stanza...don't mind me, btw, I am thinking out loud (inbetween desparate sniveling sessions, I sometimes think..ehehe)

SD

PS. Penelope made me change my avatar...SNIFF!!

(will that earn me more affectionate line break advice...sniff)

Penelope

Line breaks are an interesting concept. One would think they would slow a reader down and usually that is the case. The other thing that happens is that they 'break' up the sentence and give the words emphasis. In this circumstance it's effective. Thanks for the dedication, even if I did have to share it.
It's desperate isn't it? I did not make you change your avatar. Stop sniveling. It was endearing until you developed a tad of petulance.
*gives SD a silk hankie to make him less cranky*

__________________
"Trees cause more pollution than automobiles do." Ronald Reagan ~ 1981

Poetry Editor @ Sacred Twilight

SD

Awwww...

I will stop snivelling. But I am gonna write a Kleenex poem however!!



SD

godisthyname

a great line for your kleenex poem:

when you want a wank,
who you gonna thank?