Thread: Cleaning Houses

old one...


The view from my windows
Are not the same
They are not filled with the constellations
Once embodied upon them

I want to break them down
A shattered mosaic
Just to Catch the Cow Jump over the moon

But I’d be too afraid of her bowing ties
That would beat us both to the green

Only then would I be able to gaze across
The celestial sailings
Of a starry filled sky

Like a homeless man in the dumps
Preaching blues to newlyweded wives
Like it hasn’t already been done

It’s disgusting,
The view from mywindow
Doped down on Ambien’s
Falling asleep to Now I Lay Me’s
Filling in the excuses as to why they didn’t work

If only I could crank the cracking’s between
My faded drapes andcurtains

But I’m too glued to the folding chairs
To morph into the models of that broken window dream

This touched me, as it could apply to so many people these days. Really good poem, Scot. You have a way of wording your poems, that while somewhat abstract, still manage to clearly get the central message across.

thanks cindy....how u been by the way
long time since ive stoped in

I've been pretty good, but too darn busy. Thanks for asking.

Here are my thoughts:

Originally Posted by shedpog329

old one...


The view from my windows
Are is not the same
They are not filled with the constellations Dangling modifier. Punctuation would help, but I'd suggest rewording to clear up your meaning.
Once embodied upon them a bit wordy and I think unnecessary

I want to break them down Them? The constellations or the windows? Another dangling modifier.
A shattered mosaic
Just to Catch the Cow Jump over the moon Jumping would work better syntactically. Also, might I suggest enjambing after 'cow'?

But I’d be too afraid of her bowing ties
That would beat us both to the green Not sure I understand this stanza.

Only then would I be able to gaze across
The celestial sailings Awkward enjambment but nice imagery.
Of a starry filled sky 'starry filled' doesn't work here. Should be 'star' or 'starry sky'

Like a homeless man in the dumps
Preaching blues to newlyweded wives
Like it hasn’t already been done A fragment here. It's difficult to follow your phrasing throughout because the lack of punctuation breaks things up and runs things together too much. Also, I think the simile here is strong, but it is in conflict with the image of the cow. I think you should choose one and scrap the other.

It’s disgusting,
The view from my window
Doped down on Ambien’s 'Doped down' is interesting
Falling asleep to Now I Lay Me’s Another interesting line
Filling in the excuses as to why they didn’t work Lovely stanza

If only I could crank the cracking’s between crank?
My faded drapes and curtains

But I’m too glued to the folding chairs
To morph into the models of that broken window dream An interesting ending for sure

thanks for the read squalid

some nice moments in this.