Thread: To sleep again

I need to return to sleep again
where all was starlight-snow
falling soft upon velvet-moss,
where the air was filled
with the music of mint-roses
and the silver shadows melted
under a tattered organdy moon.
Our fingertips touched,
and the words we whispered
took flight as paper moths
and fluttered in the water-wind
that shimmered and shuddered as it flowed
towards the distant waves of hills
quietly crashing in the tender twilight.

Anyone with a china shop seeking a bull? I really like this poem... apart from the title and most of the first line, and the odd other bit. The title makes the poem an expansion of itself and the poem is better than that, think of a better one. The majority of the first line steals the poem from the reader, it makes it your experience when the poem cries out to be the experience of everyone who has had a waking dream and lost that, oh so tenuous, hold on it - So may I suggest:


Where now is sleep
when all was starlit-snow
falling soft on velvet-moss,
where the winds were filled
with the music of mint-roses
and the silver shadows melted
under a tattered organdy moon.
Where fingertips touched
and whispered words
took flight, paper moths
fluttering in the effervescent air ------------------------- effervescent? Really?Bubbling like a soda pop when shaken? How about a simple evening air?
that shimmered and shuddered as it flowed ----------- You start to over-egg the pudding here, so I've done some crossing out!
towards the distant waves of hills
quietly crashing in the tender twilight.

Where now is sleep?
Where all was starlit-snow
falling soft on velvet-moss,
where the winds were filled
with the music of mint-roses
and the silver shadows melted
under a tattered organdy moon.
The place where fingertips touched,
and whispered words
took flight, paper moths
fluttering in the air as it flowed
towards such distant hills.

You will note the such and wonder - Precisely! They are gone, never to come back...



You are, of course, at liberty to ignore everything I've written, it's only my viewpoint.

Per usual, you astound. This is a lovely, descriptive piece. I do agree with Bloggs though about the title. Perhaps your second line should be the first, and the title be some kind of introduction to the dream - maybe the title should just be "Dream" and the first line leads in - "where all was starlight-snow". Usually, I've found, simple is best in titles.

Here are my thoughts:

Originally Posted by toddm

I need to go back to sleep
where all was starlight-snow start the poem here on this exceptional line
falling soft upon velvet-moss, I love the rhyme of soft and moss as well as the continuation of S sounds from the first line. I also think you need a dash or semi colon here instead of comma.
where the winds were filled
with the music of mint-roses, not sure I understand how the roses make music, but nevertheless it's a dream and these two lines are breathtaking.
and the silver shadows melted nice
under a tattered, organdy moon. such a lovely description. This whole first sentence, really, is just poetry at its finest.
Our fingertips touched, remember, commas are needed to seperate different subjects within the sentence i.e. "our" and "the words"
and the words we whispered I like Bloggs' change here. Also, I don't think this enjambment works. It gives too much pause between whispered and took. I think you should enjamb after moths.
took flight as paper moths
and fluttered in the effervescent air
that shimmered and shuddered as it flowed here we're getting close to a run on, but I think it's fine considering the dream atmosphere.
towards the distant waves of hills
quietly crashing in the tender twilight. As you might have noticed, I've bolded all your "the's" in the poem. I think 7 is too many. Find a way to introduce your nouns without the article in a few places.

I love it as is. This is right up my alley and love the flow of it. Perfect (IMHO)

Three different opinions! What else did you expect?

I don't know a thing about poetry. Sometimes I just read and am awed by language and respect the composer. I even enjoyed the critiques. The movement from one thought to the next reminded me of a graceful dance. From one with no talent, well done. It was a pleasure.

Good poem and I like what Bloggsworth did with it.

I really appreciate the feedback everyone -

Bloggsworth and Squalid, you have both given me much to think over - I do agree about the title, it needs something different - it actually was the 2nd line in the first draft, but it seemed a bit too trite (why then did I make it the title, who knows? : ) I do agree a simple title is best, so I will see what I come up with - often I go with the first line or part of it, or a phrasing from the piece that encapsulated the whole, but I couldn't come up with anything this time that way -

The other input is excellent, and exactly what I needed - the imagery is not meant to follow logic (music of roses etc), as you said it is a dream - the colliding of images and phrases not normally thrown together, as occurs in dreams, can be at times delicious.

I will work on the first line as well, as it struck me too as needing something different - I will go through the other ideas and make some changes -

As far as "effervescent," I see your meaning Bloggsworth - not quite what I had in mind - I really wanted to capture the image of the air being fluid and clear like liquid, flowing away, like a shimmering stream - I originally had "water-winds" there, but I changed it as I already said "winds" at the beginning - thinking about "crystalline" instead of "effervesent", not sure though - will keep at it, thanks again!

---todd

I'm very late in response, sorry. There is much to like about the poem, the softness, the dreaminess. But for me it loses impact as it goes, maybe because it is in past tense. May I suggest replacing all the 'was' with 'is' then modifying the words that end with 'ed' accordingly.

Just my 2 cents, but it is a nice poem and if your intent is to capture softeness and passivity then it is good as is.

BW