Thread: Boys Dont Cry

Could Use A Little Help With Putting This One Together So It Can Read Smoother.....Any Help Would Be Great...Thank You

In order
there is a division
She was above vitality
Dropping prisoners to their own realities
victims to villainy and identity

to riven the gaps
the division that entitles
the dominate
and the galls bridled

more feminine and passive
to feel where intimation lays
and curtsy the rain to wash away
with forty winks to the incongruent peak
the idea that blinds
that billows without compassion

one with a fierce manner
the other, a disposition that manages
where all else was a means to end

the most brutal love
an eye across was not blind
to the whims of a woman’s wounds
a little better than when they came in

and on awakening within his eyes
the man alone in two arenas
of night and day
and their morning social tea

the senses bent the spectrum
that privileges an awareness
by the grain

the interior design of his own
patterned pallets
to be a second opinion
this second world

spinning bias backwardness
clouded, ignored or unnoticed
flipped upside down

Spilling the girl
The other, a second insight
Beyond flesh and blood
With no division tedious in nature
The laws that formulate
A passive, a poised
An expressive arch

I have come back to read this several times, because it is fascinating, but I am finding it a bit inaccessible. I keep seeing lady justice, blindfold with her scales, but feel I am superimposing my own interpretation.

as with most poems, I *think* I know what this one is about but I could be completely off.

In particular though, I like this part

the most brutal love
an eye across was not blind
to the whims of a woman’s wounds
a little better than when they came in

The only suggestion I have is to capitalize through the whole thing, that's the only thing that distracted me when reading this poem. Like this:

In order
There is a division
She was above vitality
Dropping prisoners to their own realities
Victims to villainy and identity

To riven the gaps
The division that entitles
The dominate
And the galls bridled

More feminine and passive
To feel where intimation lays
And curtsy the rain to wash away
With forty winks to the incongruent peak
The idea that blinds
That billows without compassion

One with a fierce manner
The other, a disposition that manages
Where all else was a means to end

The most brutal love
An eye across was not blind
To the whims of a woman’s wounds
A little better than when they came in

And on awakening within his eyes
The man alone in two arenas
Of night and day
And their morning social tea

The senses bent the spectrum
That privileges an awareness
By the grain

The interior design of his own
Patterned pallets
To be a second opinion
This second world

Spinning bias backwardness
Clouded, ignored or unnoticed
Flipped upside down

Spilling the girl
The other, a second insight
Beyond flesh and blood
With no division tedious in nature
The laws that formulate
A passive, a poised
An expressive arch

Of course I'm no expert poet, I just dabble in it a little bit so you can take my advice or leave it, won't hurt my feelings a bit I enjoyed reading your poem either way.

I really like the sound of your lines and the way you often seem to prioritise the sounds words make over their meaning - few have the confidence or flair to do this, including myself.

I don't agree with the above advice about capitals: do away with them completely: they serve little purpose in poems as line or sentence starters.

I like your style but still think your poem needs more clarity.

Love,

Firebird

Originally Posted by alanmt

I have come back to read this several times, because it is fascinating, but I am finding it a bit inaccessible. I keep seeing lady justice, blindfold with her scales, but feel I am superimposing my own interpretation.

thank you...id like to know more about your thoughts tho if you could


thanks to everyone too

i wasnt really too happy with how this one turned out to be honest
its been awhile since iv written anything
the summer has been a wild ride so im still gettin back in the groove of things

thanks again for the kind comments

I don't know if you have settled on the poem as it stands, but will still make some suggestions to improve the flow.

In order
there is a division Vague.
She was above vitality
Dropping prisoners to their own realities
victims to villainy (villainous) and identity

to riven the gaps
the division (riven, gaps, and divisions create unnecessary redundancies) that entitles
the to dominate
and the galls bridled
another line here would improve the syllable count. Ex. with brittle (insert two syllable word)

more feminine and passive
to feel where intimation lays
and curtsy the rain to while it washes away EXCELLENT line.
but you never say what it washes
with forty winks to the incongruent peak of what? Good flow, but no context.
the idea that blinds
move this line. billows without compassion

one one what? with a fierce manner
the other, a disposition that manages
where all else was a means to end Good.

the most brutal love
an eye across was not blind
to the whims of a woman’s her wounds
a little better than when they came in though over time improved.

and on awakening within his eyes awareness in his eyes
the man alone in two arenas
of night and day
and their morning social tea
elaborate. The stanza is incomplete.

the senses bent the spectrum
that privileges privileging an awareness
by the grain I like this.

the interior design of his own
patterned pattern of pallets (I suspect you mean palette)
to be a painted? second opinions
this over a second world

spinning bias backwardness
clouded, ignored or unnoticed
flipped upside down Interesting.

Spilling the girl I like this line
The other, a second insight
Beyond flesh and blood
With no division tedious separation tedious enjamb in nature
The laws that formulate form
A passive, a poised
An expressive arch


The poem now reads as:


She was above vitality
Dropping prisoners to their own realities
victims to villainous identity

To riven the division
to dominate
And the galls bridled
(with brittle [two syllable word])

feminine and passive
where intimation lays
And curtsy the rain that washes away
With forty winks to the incongruent peak
The idea that billows without compassion

One with a fierce manner
The other, disposition, that manages
Where all else was a means to end

The most brutal love
An eye was not blind
To the whims of her wounds
that improved over time

And on awareness in his eyes
The man in two arenas
Of night and day
And their morning social tea

senses bent the spectrum
privileging awareness
By the grain

The interior design of his own
pattern of palettes
painted second opinions
over a second world

Spinning bias backwardness
ignored or unnoticed
Flipped upside down

Spilling the girl
a second insight
Beyond flesh and blood
no tedious separation
in nature the laws
that formulate
A passively poised
expressive arch


Most of my edits amounted to eliminating dead weight in the poem, especially by shifting its grammar. The poem as it stands is inscrutable. There some great images and ideas sprinkled here and there, but most of the piece suffers from forced rhymes, incomplete stanzas, and an incoherent narrative that fails to contextualize the poem. I have two comments for future work. Less is usually, not always, more; and remember that the reader can only read your poem, not your mind.