Thread: The Long Run

I thought to see the salmon leap
too young to know the river was wrong,
that it ran into a loch. I sat, watching,
for several hours till dusk rested its hand
on my shoulder, saying:
Go home laddie, it’s time to leave this place.
As I did the wind grew, chasing
itself towards the west coast and the sea
where salmon gathered, brushing
aside a rowan tree, bending it
to its will as if asking Who is master here?
As I made my way down the glen,
beside the peaty burn, hob-nailed boots
clattering from damp rock to tufted grass,
my mind wandered to thoughts of Holmes,
in gathering gloom, picking his way
across the Grimpen Mire in pursuit
of a painted dog. I slipped, stumbled
and fell, not once but many times as I,
torchless and disappointed, made my way home.

A longer piece for you, but done with the same extreme care. You have such a command of the moment and the soft reflections of things that comes with it. Here are some thoughts.

Originally Posted by Bloggsworth

I thought to see the salmon leap Starting with iambs set me up for more structure, then the line break threw me. The breaking of pace adds a nice disconnect to match the sentiment of the speaker.
too young to know the river was wrong,
that it ran to into a loch. I sat, watching, 'to into' seems odd for you. Not economical.
for several hours till dusk rested its hand
on my shoulder, saying: lovely personification
Go home laddie, it’s time to leave this place. I think a period is needed here for rhythm's sake so you can get rid of the 'and' which follows
and As I did, the wind grew, chasing
itself towards the west coast and the sea
where salmon gathered, it brushed if you are going to include 'it', then I suggest a period after 'gathered'. If you want it to run as one sentence, then perhaps 'brushing'.
aside a rowan tree, bending it
to its will as if asking, Who is master here? nice
As I made my way down the glen,
beside the peaty burn, hob-nailed boots
clattering from damp rock to tufted grass, two extraordinary lines
my mind wandered to thoughts of Holmes, I think you should seperate 'in...gloom' with dashes instead of commas
in gathering gloom, picking his way
across the Grimpen Mire in pursuit great sounds and rhymes here
of a painted dog. I slipped, stumbled
and fell, not once but many times as I,
torchless and disappointed, made my way home. a wonderful ending

to into is an editing error, should be an ordinary into.

Not sure I understand, and therefore agree, with your dotted gloom. Other suggestions adopted.

I think SG means to flank "in gathering gloom" with dashes as opposed to commas. As always, this is very vivid, Mr. B., and well written. Your pieces have such a wonderful classic feel to them which I find quite pleasing, no doubt it's your choice of language. Echo SG's sentiment for the hob-nailed boots lines, and add "dusk rested its hand on my shoulder" to the coffer. Love that image. Only nit is the addition of comma as such, "As I did, the wind grew,...". Well done, sir.

Best,
Lisa