Thread: Where The River Takes Me

Like a molecule of water moves with the river
With no idea of itself
I travel with the night
another lonely wanderer
shuffling under a moonless sky
I go wherever it takes me

Capitalization and rhythm made me not enjoy it.

My distaste of poorly joined art and science made me dislike it. Molecule doesn't fit into the piece, whatsoever; made me think you were asked to write a poem including that word, and forced it in.

You talk about the river, which flows, but then say you're shuffling under a moonless sky? And is the sky leading you? Or the river? Or is the night pulling you through itself?

I admit that I'm not an overly enthusiastic reader when it comes to poetry that doesn't have set rhythms or form. Especially when it doesn't have rhyme.

Anyways, keep it up - I'm sure there are others on here who enjoy this type of work. I posted because you had none, but perhaps it would have been better had I not.

I din't like it much either as an idea it didn't come together the way I wanted it to.

I liked it. The loosely gathered images of a wandering mind were effective, as the reader I was moved along with the poem. It felt like a little glimpse into your musing mind.

...also I think molecule is a fine word and it has a lyrical quality that suits poetry.

I like the idea!! I enjoyed the image it built into my head -- and I agree that molecule was perfectly fine.

I think the capitalization was a little inconsistant though, but nothing that truly takes away from your work.

I think it was great!!

Best,
Steph

I like it. But feels a bit lopsided.
What I mean is like s1 is really long.
s2 goes way short.
s3 is short matches s2
s4 matches s2 and s3
s5 could work if s1 was sort of long. Like ending at the word moves.
s6 matches.

I don't know.. I think separating s1 builds the strength of the whole. See below.


Like a molecule of water
moving with the river
With no idea of itself
another lonely wanderer
shuffling under a moonless sky
I go wherever it takes me

Some thoughts:

Originally Posted by playingthepianodrunk

Like a molecule of water moves with the river yes, molecule doesn't fit. I don't know about the science, but the word is bulky. If you want to describe a flowing river, think of a slick word that flows like water.
With no idea of itself, instead of 'with' maybe 'having'
I travel with the night - this is the third 'with' in the poem. just cut this one
another lonely wanderer -
shuffling under a moonless sky good
I go wherever it takes me either the previous line should be a complete sentence and this a new one, or add a comma after 'sky' and have this line read 'go wherever it takes me'.

Thank you for all the feedback.