Thread: Autumn, On Leave

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First line good, second line great, third line a troubling image; the oproblem for me is that they don't properly connect, and as it's not a haiku you could rearrange them thus:

Wind-bitten
bodybags line the street,
the maple surrenders her leaves.

I like it but I do agree that 'bodybags' seems jarring and out of place in this image. But that may only be my view. I think I would prefer "their bodies line the street."

Wind-bitten,
the maple surrenders her leaves—
bodybags line the street.

I don't like the bodybags reference, at least the way it was used. If you had opened with something to the effect of the bitter wind tearing leaves from branches like arms and legs ripped apart in the heat of war, then it would fit better.

Since you finished with something relatively reflective and mild, I would find a milder word to replace 'bodybags'.

My 2¢ anyway, I like what you're trying to do, it is just a case of mismatched concepts.

JRB

Originally Posted by Bloggsworth

the oproblem for me is that they don't properly connect,

Pretty sure that the poem, as written, is grammatically correct. 'wind-bitten' is supposed to modify the tree, so your revision completely alters that. Also, I think the sequence of images gets put out of order, at least to my way of thinking -- first our attention is called to the street, and then to the image of leaves falling, which makes about as much sense as leaves falling upward.

Originally Posted by Gumby

I like it but I do agree that 'bodybags' seems jarring and out of place in this image. But that may only be my view. I think I would prefer "their bodies line the street."

Poem is meant to be written from the point of view of a soldier 'on leave' from some sort of wartime duty, and is meant, also, to show how the intensity of wartime experiences can bleed over into normal life and color what is an otherwise typical moment.

Originally Posted by JRBurgher

If you had opened with something to the effect of the bitter wind tearing leaves from branches like arms and legs ripped apart in the heat of war, then it would fit better.

I think then the poem would become very overwrought. Every line here presents either a negative image or sound -- wind-bitten, the concept of surrender, bodybags ...

Poem is meant to be written from the point of view of a soldier 'on leave' from some sort of wartime duty, and is meant, also, to show how the intensity of wartime experiences can bleed over into normal life and color what is an otherwise typical moment.

That does put a different spin on it, I saw the 'On Leave' part of the title, but didn't make the connection to a soldier, (duh!) now I get it.

I like your strong free verse style, where the shape of the poem is just as strong and important as the message of the poem. On Leave, has a distinct message that works incredibly well with the word: bodybag. I don't think much could be changed without altering the message and muddying up the poem. It's strong, it's distinct, it holds voice, and isn't purple prose. Lots of times free verse turns into purple prose--it's sporadic, it's muddy. This isn't. I like this!

I admittedly know next to nothing about this form of poetry, having never tried my hand it, but I thought it was rather good. It gave me the sort of mental images, and internal feelings that I look for out of poetry. What more could I ask for? Great job.

John, I picked up on the "on leave" part after reading it, so it made sense, but I do think the bodybags is so suddenly sprung on the reader (that is expecting something else based on the opening) is quite jarring. Maybe this is your intent, but creates a negative reaction to the poem I think.

Retitling it would avoid this: "Autumn Soldier on Leave"

Hope this is useful to you.

In a word, superb. I read this when you first posted it, I liked the bodybag image, even though initially it seemed out of place. I knew I was missing something and it niggled at me. When I came back, you'd supplied the explanation, saving me further frustration, lol. You've achieved some very serious depth with very few words, again, superb. Kudos, John.

Best,
Lisa