Thread: Miscarriage

Miscarriage

…and I woke, wanted to live
on an island, because birds gave feathers like fire,
because flowers hugged the crisp, wasted sand,
and where else could that happen? A shriveled tide, a tense volcano,
an old man that died and buried himself in palm branches,
while I could only ask why.
I thought time didn’t mean anything
there. I thought the spine of a basking lizard, his scales,
said nothing (but my voice in a decided breath)
would break.

Then hibiscus petals fell like words
the first night I slept. I wasn’t ready for this.
Wind was hissing at ocean, swallowing ruthlessly,
sand, and I was trembling like the volcano (as I imagined
explosions inside), gathering as many petals
as I could carry. I never knew how many flowers there were
until their carcasses, silence, and a broken bone…

I really like this. Very very sad. Love, Firebird.

I agree with Firebird, this gives me a feeling of sadness and longing. The last stanza especially, Angel.

I get the sad part and the pain. I'm just a bit confused how there were flowers hugging the sand, and in the same stanza talk of a dead old man. I have trouble understanding abstract stuff, I'll admit, but I'm really trying to paint this picture and I can't.

Great imagery. I just got caught on rocky ground on the lead-in. Like the feathers like fire thing. Feathers I see as great, but fire usually isn't, unless you are staring into it.

I'm sorry for your loss, by the way. Take care.

JRB

Great job, I enjoyed this poem.

This is really very beautiful, as others have said. The only part of it that seems out of place is the bit about the old man - not sure how that fits in with everything else. I tried reading it with that line x-ed out and it seemed to flow better, IMO. But thank you for sharing regardless. Wish I had more to say.

"…and I woke, wanted to live" - This is just my opinion, but starting with an ellipsis is not a preferred method.

"wanted to live" - Maybe wanting instead.

"because birds gave feathers like fire" - This line really bothers me. I just don't get it. Like fire? I need help with this one.

"an old man that died and buried himself in palm branches," - Now this I adore. Wonderful line.

"while I could only ask why." - This really sticks out to me. It seems to simple.

"I thought the spine of a basking lizard, his scales,
said nothing" - Should it be "I thought of". If not, the line does confuse me a bit.

"(but my voice in a decided breath)" - Why parenthesis?

"would break." - Your voice or the lizard's scales?

"Then hibiscus petals fell like words" - I really like this. The simple use of the word "then" really elevates it for me.

"Wind was hissing at ocean, swallowing ruthlessly,
sand, and I was trembling like the volcano (as I imagined
explosions inside), gathering as many petals
as I could carry." - There is no nice way to say this, this part needs to be rewritten. Too much going on here and it seems to be said a little hastily.

"I never knew how many flowers there were
until their carcasses, silence, and a broken bone…" - "Until their carcasses" what? I don't even know what to say to that. This just doesn't mean anything the way it is written.

I understand you were going for a certain tone with this, but it comes off as sloppy to me. Maybe there is something I am missing in all this. The language here is quite hard to follow. This review is not meant to be taken negatively. I like this. Some parts though were more of a chore to read. If I could change one thing, it would be ending with an ellipsis. Really, you don't want to do that.

It's a weird mental quirk of mine that makes it easier for me to explain why I like something when someone else details why they don't. I understand Mr. Stanton's point of view on this piece, and looking at things a certain way, he's more or less right. But I think I'm looking at this poem from a different perspective, and, now that I have his perspective to compare mine to, I can articulate my own POV much more easily.

"…and I woke, wanted to live" - I actually like that you've started with an ellipsis, because in my mind it makes the title, Miscarriage, the first word of the poem without having to repeat it.

because birds gave feathers like fire, - In my mind, this works, because fire is free, so the birds are giving their feathers, parts of themselves, freely.

"an old man that died and buried himself in palm branches," - Except for the bit about the palm branches, I still don't see how it fits in with everything else you're saying. It still strikes me as kind of random and out of place.

I thought the spine of a basking lizard, his scales,
said nothing (but my voice in a decided breath)
would break. -This bit is very difficult to read, and I stumbled over it a few times before I got what you were saying. I like it a lot; still, maybe it could be rewritten so that it reads a bit smoother.

Wind was hissing at ocean, swallowing ruthlessly,
sand, and I was trembling like the volcano (as I imagined
explosions inside), gathering as many petals
as I could carry. - I admit, I didn't notice anything was amiss here until I read what Mr. Stanton wrote. I just sort of let the imagery flow over me. But looking at it a bit closer now, the bits "swallowing ruthlessly" and "sand" all by itself don't really work, at least, not with the way you've placed the commas there. As I understand it, what you're trying to say is that the ocean is "swallowing ruthlessly" the "sand." I could be totally wrong, but if I'm not, consider getting rid of the comma at the end of the first line. The rest of it, though, is lovely.

I never knew how many flowers there were
until their carcasses, silence, and a broken bone… - I don't know, but this works for me. It reminds me of the beginning of a poem I once wrote, so maybe that's why. But without being able to articulate why, I feel like I know exactly what you mean. It's the imagery of the lines, I think, that resonate with me.

Overall, I still think this is a lovely poem. I am a sucker for beach imagery, though, so bear that in mind. As for ending it with an ellipsis, I'm on the fence. I like how that mirrors the beginning of the poem, but a period would give it more of a finality, like the death of the unborn child implied by the title. Anyway, I hope some of that is helpful.

Originally Posted by WhitakerRStanton

If I could change one thing, it would be ending with an ellipsis. Really, you don't want to do that.

That's almost like trying to correct E.E. Cummings.

Thanks everyone for your comments. I don't mind criticism. That's fine. When this poem isn't so fresh, I'll look into revision. However, I won't be changing the ellipses. If it's not in your taste, that's fine, but I feel very strongly about them for this particular poem. Sort of like a thought interrupting itself over, and over, and over. I'm a bit of jumbled mess at the moment. Thanks again.

Originally Posted by Angel101

I won't be changing the ellipses. If it's not in your taste, that's fine, but I feel very strongly about them for this particular poem

You reflect my thoughts. I often get peeved when people, most likely not intentional, critique according to their personal taste and disregard mine.