Thread: Real Love

Does not fade when the militant shadows smother the August sun
But deepens with the oranges and crimsons of the September sunset.
Does not wilt with the rose petals in the cutting winds of October
But flourishes in the chocolate and golden browns of the leaves.
Gathering strength from change and adversity
Like a sunbeam glancing off the crispness of the brilliant November snow
She stares down the winter of separation
Parading resilience and eternity.

Her roots reach deeper than December’s lifeless death.
Buds springing from the hard ground
Victorious over the cold and bleakness of January.
February submits to her unflinching intent
As she parades her all conquering power.

No longer hibernating, but proudly displaying herself.
Precocious but old, like time, like forever
Like the sea, like the waves, in March, wild like the wind
Always hoping, always persevering and never failing
In April. Indestructible.
In May she laughs and dances in her beautiful dress
Ready to seduce the summer.

This is sweet, but a little too sweet for me. I felt like I knew what was coming next, that it was a little predictable.

Thanks for he feedback Damien. I usually write bleak poems with a bit of a sting. So this was a departure for me. Maybe I should stick to the former, smile !

I did get a couple of likes on my blog from people who had picked up the tag "love". So I guess like much poetry its very personal. I will have a think as to how I can make it more surprising.

Having said all of that, there is irony in it, for such love is almost impossible to find.

Hi Ravel,

Gonna dive right in:

Does not fade when the militant shadows smother the August sun
But deepens with the oranges and crimsons of the September sunset.
Does not wilt with the rose petals in the cutting winds of October
But flourishes in the chocolate and golden browns of the leaves.

Very nice. The images are clear and easy to absorb. I particularly like "militant shadows smother the August sun", perhaps because the verb-- "smother"-- is the most interesting of the lot. It's an action-specific, sensory, vigorous verb. The sentence structure-- does not [present tense verb] but-- effectively establishes the contrast, and I like that both sentences have an identical syntactic pattern (because it makes the parallelisms more evident: does not fade/does not wilt & deepens/flourishes).

Gathering strength from change and adversity
Like a sunbeam glancing off the crispness of the brilliant November snow
She stares down the winter of separation
Parading resilience and eternity.

Good simile. I'd scrap the last two lines. They're very abstract-- "separation", "resilience", "eternity"-- and you really don't need them when you've quite capably shown-- with concrete images-- the resilience of love.

Her roots reach deeper than December’s lifeless death.
Buds springing from the hard ground
Victorious over the cold and bleakness of January.
February submits to her unflinching intent
As she parades her all conquering power.

Ouch! I really had to force myself past "lifeless death". Sorry. Have no idea what it means, and death is lifeless(ness), and I don't know whether it's supposed to be an oxymoron or what, but it doesn't work for me at all. "buds springing from the hard ground"-- now we're back on track. An uncluttered phrase containing a simple and effective image. I'm not keen on the last three lines-- again, they're abstract, and there's prettier ways of saying "she parades her all conquering power" (by the way, a hyphen in "all-conquering"). More effective ways. Through an image, through something concrete, something specific. And, again, I don't think you even need those lines.

No longer hibernating, but proudly displaying herself.

OK, so, up to this point, we've got "parading resilience", "parading... power", and "proudly displaying"-- you've belabored the point a bit, no? Really, the proud display works better than those parades. Dunno why, but there can be an ostentatious element to "parade" whereas "display" has fairly neutral connotations, and the latter is more consistent with the descriptions of this real love. No longer hibernating? Is there any indication in the preceding verses that the love has been hibernating? I don't think so. Thus far, it's been resisting, pushing through, adapting to adverse conditions and so forth. So, maybe "not hibernating, but proudly displaying" might work better.

Precocious but old, like time, like forever
Like the sea, like the waves, in March, wild like the wind
Always hoping, always persevering and never failing
In April. Indestructible.

There's something about the syntax that appeals to me. The overabundance of commas and the sequence of similes create an impression of breathlessness.

In May she laughs and dances in her beautiful dress
Ready to seduce the summer.

Nice. There’s a central awareness of womanliness in "ready to seduce the summer", which is in keeping with the portrayal of love as female and feminine.

Thanks for posting. I liked this piece.
--lace

lace gave you lots of good things to think about on this one -

I really enjoyed this first read through, very nice solid and vivid imagery used, nice flow too - I also like how you take a familiar refrain, that love is faithful through it all etc, and clothe it in fresh language

---todd

I really liked the line "like forever" I don't know why, but it just struck a chord with me. I felt like the ending was a bit abrupt, but it was still a beautiful poem, nontheless.

and you're right. A love like that is almost impossible to find.

Dear Lace - thank you so much for diving in, I am sorry I have taken a while to respond - I have been abroad and a little out of circulation generally. I will look carefully at your response, lots of good points to pick out, and make some changes.

Thank you Todd for your kind comments also.

Sophia - that line just came and I had the rush of adrenalin as it came ... as if from somewhere else.
I wondered whether to go into July and August - is that why you thought the ending abrupt? I would welcome views.

Thank you all for taking the time to comment, it is much appreciated

D

Mmmm... So I read it again... and loved it even more. I can see it both ways - I can see how you could have gone on after the "ready to seduce the summer" - which is how I first felt it should be. It did seem a bit abrupt in the way that the first time I read it, I expected you to elaborate (poor choice of wording) But the second time I read it (out loud) it seemed a bit more like the ending fit. I am not sure if my review makes any sense since I am kind of contradicting myself. I guess it just depends on your frame of mind when you read it. What a beautiful poem, though. But I am a sucker for poems about love.

REAL LOVE

Does not fade when the militant shadows smother the August sun
But deepens with the oranges and crimsons of the September sunset.
Does not wilt with the rose petals in the cutting winds of October
But flourishes in the chocolate and golden browns of the leaves.

Gathering strength from change and adversity
Like a sunbeam glancing off the crispness of the brilliant November snow
Secure and warm in her immortal clothing
She stares down the weary nights of winter.

Her roots reach deeper than December’s murderous grey
Buds springing from the hard ground
Victorious over the cold and bleakness of January.

Emerging through lengthening days,
February submits to her unflinching intent.
Blazing dabs of yellow, blue and white on the expectant canvas of spring
No longer demure, she proudly displays herself.

Precocious but old, like time, like forever
Like the sea, like the waves, in March, wild like the wind
Always hoping, always persevering and never failing
In cruellest April. Indestructible.

In May she laughs and dances in her beautiful dress
Ready to seduce the summer.

In June, glorious in her party dress, laughing,
delighting, desiring, enchanting,
Flirtatious but ever faithful
And in the balmy nights of July
She kisses me softly and holds me closer than ever.

Try again - too many dresses and too much laughter last time.


REAL LOVE

Does not fade when the militant shadows smother the August sun
But deepens with the oranges and crimsons of the September sunset.
Does not wilt with the rose petals in the cutting winds of October
But flourishes in the chocolate and golden browns of the leaves.

Gathering strength from change and adversity
Like a sunbeam glancing off the crispness of the brilliant November snow
Secure and warm in her immortal clothing
She stares down the weary nights of winter.

Her roots reach deeper than December’s murderous grey
Buds springing from the hard ground
Victorious over the cold and bleakness of January.

Emerging through lengthening days,
February submits to her unflinching intent.
Blazing dabs of yellow, blue and white on the expectant canvas of spring
No longer demure, she proudly displays herself.

Precocious but old, like time, like forever
Like the sea, like the waves, in March, wild like the wind
Always hoping, always persevering and never failing
In cruellest April. Indestructible.

In May she smiles and dances in her beautiful dress
Ready to seduce the summer.

In June, glorious in her party clothes, laughing,
delighting, desiring, enchanting,
flirtatious but ever faithful
And in the balmy nights of July
She kisses me softly and holds me closer than ever.

Hi, Ravel--

I very much like this latest revision. I'm particularly drawn to "blazing dabs of yellow, blue, and white on the expectant canvas of spring". "dab(s)" is a very sensory noun. Phrases such as "she stares down the weary nights of winter" and "February submits to her unflinching intent" work in unison with "she proudly displays herself" to indicate that this "real love" defines its (her) own sphere of action and growth. Some readers may suggest you trim a lot of the phrases (such as "victorious" or "indestructible" or "always hoping, always persevering, and never failing" ). I would not disagree-- after all, the perseverance has been noted in the refusal to wilt or be smothered-- but there's something about the long lines and the reiteration that asserts, firmly and calmly, this love's newness and independence. Very nice work.
--lace

I like your rewrite much better, it has a way of rolling off the tongue beautifully and the aural quality is quite lovely. I think that you should reconsider all of the 'likes', as they do weaken the piece a bit. For example:

Gathering strength from change and adversity
Like a sunbeam glancing off the crispness of the brilliant November snow
Secure and warm in her immortal clothing
She stares down the weary nights of winter.

Cutting the Like out of this line, strengthens the image here.

Thanks Gumby . . . I like your removal of likes ... I will re-issue soon !

Lace - I don't disagree with what you don't disagree with; but am tempted to leave alone for the reasons you espouse ... I shall ponder. Thanks !