Thread: Damn the World (language)

You don't want my feedback -- I'll go.

Originally Posted by j.w.olson

You don't want my feedback -- I'll go.

I am sorry you believe that.

Farewell

I think that if you want to post a piece you need to be more open to criticism and altering your work to find your happy ending, grumbldoo. You've got some fine and perhaps nicer-than-usual comments here with good advice on how to improve your work and really convert your particular thoughts into poetic verse. It seems to me that you are too keen on your own work (which isn't necessarily a problem unless you can't gain a support base) and you are coming up with constant excuses to keep the work the way it is. Now, I am no fan of putting 'the man' into artwork and I don't play by the rules but it seems to me that the piece you have here is less like a poem and more like a tirade. Not because of its lack of rhythm or element but because you seemed to have put absolutely no thought into this at all. Hey, I could be wrong. Maybe you sat there forever and thought about it... but what the "style" of writing suggests is that you just beat out a complaint and called it a poem. My advice is to sit down and really think about what made you write this, you don't have to be specific if you don't want to. Or you could do something I'm fond of and try your hand at surrealism and hide what your saying behind other things, with relevance of course. You really need to get to know yourself to be a poet, or better yet, get intimate with what you don't have a friggen clue about and you'll find yourself getting some real intense, passionate results. Good luck, and maybe try looking through some of these other replies (you've got alot of them!)

I don't know anything about rules or forms but I know strong theme when I see it. "Damn.." is curse, lament and command, all at once. He(the protag?is that how you refer to the speaker?) is feeling pain of loss, pain at injuries he sees being perpetrated. It's like a cruel trick has been pulled. He's seen behind the curtain. There is no santa, and people generally suck. "Specificity", okay, but can you not come up with your own images as easily as if he were to say blue sky? Do you need examples? I just pose the question , not offer a challenge. Loss of innocense, like the fall from eden, etc. good strong stuff. Format? I'm not trained, but it does convey emotion.
and... go easy...

nit; add o to to= "...too fast"

Originally Posted by saintenitouche

I think that if you want to post a piece you need to be more open to criticism and altering your work to find your happy ending, grumbldoo. You've got some fine and perhaps nicer-than-usual comments here with good advice on how to improve your work and really convert your particular thoughts into poetic verse. It seems to me that you are too keen on your own work (which isn't necessarily a problem unless you can't gain a support base) and you are coming up with constant excuses to keep the work the way it is. Now, I am no fan of putting 'the man' into artwork and I don't play by the rules but it seems to me that the piece you have here is less like a poem and more like a tirade. Not because of its lack of rhythm or element but because you seemed to have put absolutely no thought into this at all. Hey, I could be wrong. Maybe you sat there forever and thought about it... but what the "style" of writing suggests is that you just beat out a complaint and called it a poem. My advice is to sit down and really think about what made you write this, you don't have to be specific if you don't want to. Or you could do something I'm fond of and try your hand at surrealism and hide what your saying behind other things, with relevance of course. You really need to get to know yourself to be a poet, or better yet, get intimate with what you don't have a friggen clue about and you'll find yourself getting some real intense, passionate results. Good luck, and maybe try looking through some of these other replies (you've got alot of them!)

I acknowledge that I am very arrogant, and at my stage it is a fatal flaw, but I do receive criticism as you can see by my responses. I stated that I agreed with their statements as they were true, but I did not feel that it applied to my post. And if you look at the earlier posts, as you advised me to do, you can see that I accepted the criticism and altered my poem accordingly. It is true that I did not think much when writing this poem. Though I can relate to this poem, It is not from my perspective. I am not sure I would call this a complaint, though it can be. I have no real reason to write this, I hardly have reasons when writing.

It may just be me, but it seams to me that when I reply to a comment, and I even go to some lengths to tell the poster that I do not find their argument invalid or unhelpful (I even sometimes state that their critique is helpful) but I decide no to adjust my writings due to personal preference, I am often misunderstood and my reply is taken personally or a third party attempts to correct me.

Thank you for your concern saintenitouche

p.s it's grimbldoo not grumbldoo, adjacent keys

Originally Posted by Kevin

"Damn.." is curse, lament and command, all at once. He...is feeling pain of loss, pain at injuries he sees being perpetrated. It's like a cruel trick has been pulled.

Thank you for that Kevin, I didn't quite notice that myself.

My goodness gimbldoo that last line you added is a bit catty I certainly hope you don't include us poor cows! Really though you simply must NOT use abstractions in your writing! What was that you said about "forced normalities"? I like to think of it as, "You can't have your pudding if you don't eat your meat". Any way keep the claws in and the pen stroking. P.S. If you were here I'd give you a belly rub

oops duplicate please delete.

Originally Posted by jed

My goodness gimbldoo that last line you added is a bit catty I certainly hope you don't include us poor cows! Really though you simply must NOT use abstractions in your writing! What was that you said about "forced normalities"? I like to think of it as, "You can't have your pudding if you don't eat your meat". Any way keep the claws in and the pen stroking. P.S. If you were here I'd give you a belly rub

I am not sure if abstracts are a must not, though they do often confuse. If you look at E.E. Cummings, a lot of his stuff is hard to understand, he even went to jail because they thought that his poetry was secret code, though this is not exactly related to the subject at hand.
You made me laugh, thanks for that.

I actually like this. Although I don't agree with the cruelty of the world as much as I question the motives of mankind, its raw form is more stream-of-consciousness which one would associate with raw emotion. To refine it and process it into something more agreeable is to take away from its character.

We all need to look at this from the point of view that maybe it's not written for us. The author of this kind of poetry writes it for himself (or herself, to be fair). It's not there to please others. Until one has actually been there, they really can't relate to it.

As the reader, one has to see this through the author's eyes as best as possible. It's a window to someone else's reality.

That being said, I have trouble relating to it personally, but I respect and enjoy having shared your point of view.

JRB

Originally Posted by JRBurgher

I actually like this. Although I don't agree with the cruelty of the world as much as I question the motives of mankind, its raw form is more stream-of-consciousness which one would associate with raw emotion. To refine it and process it into something more agreeable is to take away from its character.

We all need to look at this from the point of view that maybe it's not written for us. The author of this kind of poetry writes it for himself (or herself, to be fair). It's not there to please others. Until one has actually been there, they really can't relate to it.

As the reader, one has to see this through the author's eyes as best as possible. It's a window to someone else's reality.

That being said, I have trouble relating to it personally, but I respect and enjoy having shared your point of view.

JRB

Thank you JRB. I agree, whenever I read someone else's poetry, I always try to see from their prospective before I critique.

whoa

Originally Posted by shedpog329

whoa

Shedpog329, could you please be more specific, otherwise this is simply bumping a thread which is frowned upon.