Thread: We Saw An Island

Wow. Haven't posted here in forever. Anyway, here's my most recent piece.

We Saw an Island

I’ve never seen a hurricane, and you used to tell me
a sun was like an alligator, more like teeth,
when the island fought for breath. A sting shot a sum
of helpless chests, the tide scraped and gave its body.
I thought I could feel it when you screamed
your dying words in my ear:
I can’t sleep when you shiver like that.

...my skin touched feathers, maybe a gull.
It was strangled either way.

When a sun rose, it didn’t hurt me.
Just cradled my eyes that drove from raincloud to typhoon,
as I thought to myself it’s just like in my dreams.
A breeze giggled, pecked my face for gold.
You, still screaming then, left everything:
you…island… found…

It made me uncomfortable.
…I never asked where you were buried,

but I built a ship out of sand and skin when I looked
for you. Waves felt heavier than your voice,
so cold I couldn’t sleep. From the bow
I touched a collision of a gull and my body
and the rest of you. We shattered,
coughed like thunder in the calm,
you… found…

Bay, glad to see another piece from you! We've discussed already that I'm a fan of your work, so I don't have much in the way of criticism for you today. But I wasn't about to let this go by without comment.

when the island fought for breath. A sting shot a sumof helpless chests, the tide scraped and gave its body.

The text in bold. I'm sure you get sick of being misunderstood sometimes (or maybe all the time), but I'm not the type of person who feels like I have to understand every nuance of a poem; if it sounds pleasing to the ear, or fits with the mood of the piece, then I'm satisfied. This bit, though, just isn't working for me. It doesn't sound too bad; that's some nice alliteration there, but in practice it just reads like a random string of words that detract from the mood you've set.

Otherwise, Bay, I loved this. This is kind of random, but when I'm asleep I very frequently dream of the beach. Without going into a lot of boring detail, my beach dreams are always pretty stressful. Anyway, this reminds me of my dreams. There is some tension in this piece, shades of death and loss, juxtaposed nicely with the warm beach imagery. I don't really know what else to say, other than keep at it. I look forward to reading more from you. Thanks so much for sharing.