Thread: Poem, Forgotten.

We can write our words on paper to be burned away
We can paint the canvas to be faded
We can Sing the words to be forgotten
We can Run to the end of the track
We can Crawl back home


- Sorry it's wicked short. I have a longer version but I like to cut it down to this.

(ORIGINAL)
No more riddles no more ryhmes
In time, you'll understand our minds are meant to go away.
our thought may linger, But will fade in time.
We can write our words on paper to be burned away
We can paint the canvas to be faded
We can Sing the words to be forgotten
We can Run to the end of the track
We can Crawl back home
Home is in the graveyard.

[QUOTE=Unseen;1493679]We can write our words on paper to be burned away
We can paint the canvas to be faded
We can Sing the words to be forgotten
We can Run to the end of the track
We can Crawl back home

Home is in the graveyard is not a bad line in my opinion it helps further the theme. Of course this is slightly morbid, because in my opinion it suggests we have nothing to live for at all except the grave. As a piece it bellows out to me we have nothing to live for, we can do anything but it will be forgotten. That is why I consider it slightly morbid. Whether or not I agree with the premise is irrelevant. It is what I consider to be a decent poem. Looking at it from a secular point of view that is what we are "Worm food" as the cliche goes. To reiterate "Home is in the graveyard." really makes this piece clearer to me anyhow.
Thanks for sharing, and keep on writing.
Sincerely, Andrew Jonius

I like this, you did a good job on it.

a nice one.

I admit the last line of the longer version, Home is in the graveyard, threw some light for me.

But I like the shorter version better.
May I make a suggestion, How about changing the last line to
But we have to crawl back home

or something like that, because when you say we can can write our words, or paint or sing or run, those are just things that we choose to do -- not everyone does, but everyone's certain of going back home.
And I'm curious, is there any reason why you capitalised the words sing, run and crawl?

Overall, nice work.

I liked the first line too . . . . as well as the last line and the original third line

I stopped at the capitalisation of Sing, after the lower-cases on write and paint.

I wondered whether breaking up the lines would aid the flow and emphasis. Like this:-

No more riddles no more ryhmes
our thought may linger
but will fade in time.
We can write our words on paper
to be burned away.
We can paint the canvas
to be faded.
We can sing the words
to be forgotten.
We can run
to the end of the track.
We can crawl
back home.
Home is in the graveyard.