Thread: The Bar- my first creative post.

This is my first post, it's still being hammered out. I want to keep it short, though and to the point.

The Bar

My three seater sofa, a bar.
The bite has gone off of lucky number four.
Strobe lights as my body hits the floor-
music of a race car.


We dance atop the layer of mess-
I haven't got a thing to wear.
The thumping gives the sleeping scares.
Wailing; hold your heavy breath.


Pause. I'm angry, I want my trip.
Fight the virulence.
Frigid from the absence.
There will be no five, no six.


Like protesting magnets
denying our repellent
we push together enjoying things electric.
though choked with passion stagnant.

It's very creative, I like it!

I once read in Reader's Digest that one shouldn't say 'off of' since it 'doesn't make you look smart'. Just omit the 'of'.

Great debut ! I like the mix of rhymes and near rhymes and the 1-4, 2-3 pattern. Always good to end with a good coda : "choked with passion stagnant" !

Thank you! I was debating the 'of', I couldn't tell which sounded better. Thanks for your opinion!

Very nice! I especially liked the last stanza.

thank you! I felt like the language in the last stanza wasn't really fitting in with the rest because my brain lags at the end of poems lol and I may revise it, or reuse this idea here and totally rewrite the last stanza, but thanks alot for your encouragement!

Thank you very much :]