Thread: Gorgeous Girls

Golden breath dug in maudlin and mudded scent
Withering in whispers toward uncanny directions
Such a grubby halo reaches clandestine eyes
And mouths green verses like vomit onto platters
Seated now like overlapped teeth and silver smiles
She had the purest of pretties and the barter of beauty
And I couldn’t resist inquiry to such adversity
Sit, sit
Let me wipe away your fallen woes
Like an autumn scarlet eve
Let me recompense you in the tang of such kisses
And pave your ways with my hungry slaver

Golden breath dug in maudlin and mudded scent
This my friend is a superb start, really made me forget I was reading; Imagination slowly takes over.

Withering in whispers toward uncanny directions
This line is sweet (Like candy, not like 'Dude where's my car) But 'toward uncanny directions' seems to trip me up.
Maybe (and this could be worse) go for something like 'Withering in whispers towards an uncanny direction' I realse it destroys the multiple. But it feels more comfortable.

Such a grubby halo reaches clandestine eyes
I enjoy the almost poking fun this sentence perceives.

And mouths green verses like vomit onto platters
I'd can 'onto' and simply write 'on'

Seated now like overlapped teeth and silver smiles
I'd replace 'and' with 'with'

She had the purest of pretties and the barter of beauty
Ok, I'm seriously considering stealing 'Purest of pretties' for my daily tongue. It rings true and punches your thoughts in an almost childish
yet refined way. My favourite line.

And I couldn’t resist inquiry to such adversity
My only issue with this entire piece. Too many Y's. The mind tumbles over them. Especially after the last line ends with beauty, then is
followed by inquiry and adversity. It almost feels like when you were writing your rhyming brain clicked on. Maybe it's intentional, but I feel it takes away from what is such a stern tempo.

Sit, sit
This short sharp pause helped me to catch up to myself and really ponder the original sentences. Something I feel I might use for myself in future.

Let me wipe away your fallen woes
When I first read this my mind read swollen, both I find appropriate.

Like an autumn scarlet eve
I realise many things in this world feel overused and there really is no way around it, but this line is far to cliché for the independence of
everything else you have written. But maybe I’m just nit picking.

Let me recompense you in the tang of such kisses

And pave your ways with my hungry slaver

Over all I thoroughly enjoyed this, and considering I haven’t read anything in quite a while this was fun. A tipsy yet sober conjunction of words that to me made me feel at home. Something which sadly, most writing does not. Please keep up the good work, and take everything I say with a heavy fist of salt. I'm no pro, my writing is lack luster and my general idea of what sucks is more flawed that the judicial system of most countries.

Once again, cheers for the read. Good day Sir and bravo.

Thanks meeq that means quite alot