Thread: Some Bad Things Come to an End

A breeze in the eaves
blows steadily;
a collective sigh
as bricks express relief
at the potato's retreat.

Wired wires
trembling from overuse
rejoice at juice reduced
and slowly cease their shudders.

Knotted muscles
taut from tussle
(burn of silence surpasses
that of screams)
do their best
boy scout impression
in reverse.

Her last nerve
proudly proclaims victory,
its survival a mystery,
as the couch cries out
for plumping
to counter damage
done by dumpling
who moved nary an inch
for a four week stint.

Remotes lie comatose,
almost as exhausted
as their batteries,
while the snack stash
hitches a ride to the kitchen.

Business battles
to bounce back to usual
as house and homebody recover
from the single source
of their vexation…

Milord's annual vacation.

To all you ladies in waiting:
may the workforce be with you.

"A breeze in the eaves
blows steadily;
a collective sigh" - I really like this opening. Especially the third line. In my head it sounds almost biting.

"at the master's retreat." - Not crazy about this line.

"Wired wires
trembling from overuse" - Wonderful.

"rejoice to feel juice reduce" - Every time I read this I pause here. It's not terrible, but it does slow me down.

"Knotted muscles
taut from tussle" - Very poetic. Perhaps I'll steal it for one of my own.

"do their best
boy scout impression
in reverse." - Honestly, I don't understand this line. I'm sure it's just me.

"Her last nerve
proudly proclaims victory,
its survival a mystery,
as the couch cries out
for plumping
to counter damage
done by dumpling
who moved nary an inch
for a four week stint." - This bit is perfect. I adore the way it sounds as I read it.

"almost as exhausted
as their batteries," - If it were me, I might tweak this bit.

"hitches a ride to the kitchen." - This may be my favorite line. No idea why. It just fits.


"Business battles
to bounce back to usual
as house and homebody recover
from the single source
of their vexation…" - I like that way this starts. I don't understand whats vexing. Also, I don't think the ellipsis is necessary.

"To all you ladies in waiting:" - I like it.

"may the workforce be with you. " - Gerg. This is ending is very much you. Which of course means I don't care for it. It does have just enough sardonic wit for me to enjoy though.

Well, the first time I read this I was completely lost. As usual I am a little slow. Your poetry has never been easy to break down. That is what makes it wonderful though, when read as a whole it can be quite breathtaking. This piece is no different. Front to back I think it is marvelous. However, it does feel rushed and at times forced. Little tweaks, nothing big. I read this many times.

I see exactly where this came from and rejoice with you sweetie. It may be that this is a 'woman' thing, not easily understood by the male species. Loved it!

Gumby, I have some laundry that needs to get done. Take care of that would you, hun.

You are an icorrigible fiend in need of a woman's touch, Mr. Stanton, but only if it's with an iron, lol. Okay, as usual my family has drowned me with extra Yule prep, grrrr. I must be brief but will return with a more detailed response as soon as I take a breather. You're right on all accounts, Whit, it was written on the fly in a moment of jubilation and needs some serious tweaking. Will address all points soon. In the meantime, I've changed master to potato just to complicate things further and the boy scout reference is a lousy stretch. They get badges for knot tying, an impression in reverse simply means the muscles are ridding themselves of their knots. Stinky, I know. the rest has to wait.

Cin, I love you!

Thanks guys, I was afraid this was so bad it wasn't salvageable.

Originally Posted by WhitakerRStanton

Gumby, I have some laundry that needs to get done. Take care of that would you, hun.

Touché Whit.