Thread: The Sinking Ships

"The Sinking Ships"

I've set sail
On a voyage to set me free
We're predestined to fail
On a voyage to find thee
You'll never find
In this endless sea
We're all on sinking ships

Sail for years
Through rough waters
Through rough weather
I can see land
Far off in the distance
There's no hope left
On my sinking ship

Almost to the bay
and yet far away
It seemed so close
I could smell the roses
The soil underfoot
But alas it was false
As I sink to the bottom in my sunken shipwreck

END

I just want to say I know it's pretty, pretty bad when it comes to how well versed and all the little details. But I was just trying to get the idea of it. I should probably revise it...
Thank you for any and all comments.

Welcome to the forums, Unseen! I'll begin by saying that I find all things sea related quite appealing and your piece is no exception. It's got great bone structure but needs a little nip and tuck. I'm pressed for time, but I'll try to offer up a few hopefully helpful points. First, remove END, it ruins the atmosphere the piece creates. Second, nix some of those caps. Here are a few suggestions overall:

Originally Posted by Unseen

"The Sinking Ships"

I've set sail
On a voyage to set me free (nix cap)
We're predestined to fail (nix cap, shouldn't it be were? if not, you've switched from I to we which is jarring)
On a voyage to find thee (nix cap)
You'll never find (find what?)
In this endless sea (nix cap)
We're all on sinking ships

Sail for years
Through rough waters (nix cap)
Through rough weather (nix cap, I like the repetition here)

I can see land
Far off in the distance (nix cap)
There's no hope left (I kinda want to read but there's no hope)
On my sinking ship (nix cap)

Almost to the bay
and yet far away
It seemed so close (you slip into past tense here, It seems so close)
I could smell the roses (tense again, I can smell roses, nix the "the)
The soil underfoot (nix cap, and soil underfoot, I think would be better, not sure about the use of underfoot since you're on the sea, can't think of a proper swap at the moment)
But alas it was false (but alas it is false, tense again
As I sink to the bottom in my sunken shipwreck (nix cap, sink and sunken are basically the same, this line needs a bit of work, As I hit bottom, perhaps?)

END

I hope I haven't come across as too critical, I do, indeed, like your piece. Hope I've been of some help, and again, welcome aboard, lol, pun intended.

Best,
Lisa