Thread: Thiago

I've edited the ending hoping for a more impactful, sensitive close. I also included an 11th stanza. Your thoughts will be well appreciated. Thank you, in advance. Laurie

Original

Thiago

Lead me to the dancers
at the jamboree
whose bodies twist
and tremble.

Sizzling sweat, holy,
hot droplets on shoulders
burying the slap of the day,

Where jump-about musicians
coil, and music curls smoke
from wailing brass.

Brazilian songs a-thumping
from Senhorita Monte's ruby heart
Eu Te Amo! Eu Te Amo!

Thiago,Cup me in your thick dark arms
and tender my ear with your language,
lush as a lazy day.


And I’ll hand you the fury-red flower
out from behind my auburn locks,
tied with slivers of "gold, and orange ribbons."

Strip them from me slowly
and finger my hair
as if it were the finest silk
imported all the way from China.

Thiago,
Take me to your dense forests,
the Mato Grosso,
to your tropical flowers
where my white skin
turns shades before your eyes.

And whisper
Eu Te Amo, Eu Te Amo
beneath our bed net.

Feed me the fruits from your land
and shiver, just shiver
while the juices run down my neck.

We sleep, almond scented,
Brazilian breeze like a veil
fluttering on our backs,
our bodies boiled and spent.

Thiago,
Do you smell the morning cakes?
And it's to the festival today?!

Give me your strong hand.
And I do, I do feel it on my shoulder.

I'm deeper in the bed,
a pressed flower.

I wake
and see my husband's back.


Edit

Thiago

Lead me to the dancers
at the jamboree
whose bodies twist
and tremble.

Sizzling sweat, holy,
hot droplets on shoulders
burying the slap of the day,

Where jump-about musicians
coil, and music curls smoke
from wailing brass.

Brazilian songs a-thumping
from Senhorita Monte's ruby heart
Eu Te Amo! Eu Te Amo!

Thiago,
Cup me in your thick dark arms
and tender my ear with your language,
lush as a lazy day.


And I’ll hand you the fury-red flower
out from behind my auburn locks,
tied with slivers of "gold, and orange ribbons."

Strip them from me slowly
and finger my hair as if
it were my wedding train.

Thiago,
Take me to your dense forests,
the Mato Grosso,
to your tropical flowers
where my white skin
turns shades before your eyes.

And whisper
Eu Te Amo, Eu Te Amo
beneath our bed net.

Feed me the fruits from your land
and shiver, just shiver
while the juices run down my neck.

Mind birthed,
bare beaneath barracan silk,
you cover me.

We sleep, almond scented,
Brazilian breeze like a veil
fluttering on our backs,
our bodies boiled and spent.

Thiago,
Do you smell the morning cakes?
And it's to the festival today?!

Give me your strong hand.
And I do, I do feel it on my shoulder.

I'm deeper in the bed,
a pressed flower.

Your Orchid

But
the heartless sun sins,
blinding my vision
of you.

In my garden,
I continue hoeing lonliness,

strangling an Orchid.

If this were a painting---it would certainly have been painted by Van gogh...The passion is palpable...Stunning in the graphic ,gorgeous imagery--this one takes my breath away. I feel as though I have intruded on an intimate moment between two lovers, and should look away--but damn--I just can't. Each line is a work of art and leads the reader--stanza by sensual stanza--to the heart breaking, tender conclusion. Skillfully and elegantly written. This is where you shine--your attention to every nuance and detail is stunning. Peace...Jul

Thank you very much, Jul. Though, your review comes close to poetry itself! Thank you, again.

Haha, Laurie, I found the ending hilarious... and perfect together with the over sized title.

As you know I can relate to the scenery and Portuguese language these days. I agree the imagery is vivid and actually I as well felt I was intruding. To very good effect indeed...

Some spelling nits, there's an h in senhorita. nh in Portuguese is equivalent to the Spanish ñ sound, in English pronounced somewhat like nj.
Then you have only one t in Mato Grosso. Btw, you realise Mato Grosso is a huge region generally known for its many swamps and cattle ranches (biggest threat to the Amazon forests)? No doubt Mato Grosso is beautiful with its vast animal diversity, just thought maybe there'd be a more romantic place for Thiago to take you!

As for some critique, I felt in general the verses could be fewer and the lines could be longer. The content of the piece lends itself to be read in a very flowy manner, and the sometimes abrupt halts between verses and the sometimes relatively short lines, kinda take away from such a flow. Let me show you what I mean with an example

Your version:

Lead me to the dancers
at the jamboree
whose bodies twist
and tremble.

Sizzling sweat, holy,
hot droplets on shoulders
burying the slap of the day,


My suggestion:

Lead me to the dancers at the jamboree
whose bodies twist and tremble.
Sizzling sweat, holy hot droplets
shoulders burying the slap of day,


I simply merged the first two verses/seven lines into one verse/four lines (and removed some fill words). It gives it more cadence for me, particularly in relation to the scenery/imagery. In your other verses, to do what I'm suggesting it seems you'd need to change some words as well. Given it's a dream I think the flow is quite important, e.g. rhymes and beats to be considered.

So that's my overall suggestion throughout the piece. Definitely I think there's too many verses. The ending however, could stand as is, in that it's the waking up from the flowy dream and thus should be more abrupt.

Really enjoyed and be sure there's a lot of Thiagos around here!

Mmmm, yummy. I love the vivid , sexy, color of the poem. The desire and lust resound. I would love it even more if the last stanza was eliminated. I am deeper in the bed, a pressed flower...Thiago. That would show the dreaming. Really wonderful work.

I guess I agree with apple, it would be a more passionate ending to a very passionate piece. But it would definitely not be as funny

Martin: I think I did go stanaza wild here and do agree it should flow like dream. Your example was great and will be keeping it in mind for future similiar kind of writes. And thanks for pointing out the misspells.

Both Martin and Apple: I was of two minds about the ending. I think what I'll work on is creating a different one though I must keep my "twist" or "punches" in the end.

I think what I've done with the ending is what most of us are familiar with: A long story in which one becomes very involved and then feels cheated at the end when discovering it was only a dream.

Thank both for reading and your constructive comments.

RE: The ending

Here's a thought:

I'm deeper in the bed,
a pressed flower.

Thiago...

I wake
and study
my husband's back,
turned away from me.

Just an idea.

Also:

Strip them from me slowly
and finger my hair
as if it were the finest silk
imported all the way from China.

This is unnecessarily wordy. How about, "as if it were the finest Chinese silk"?

Overall, this is really enjoyable. Vivid, lush imagery - I can see it all in my mind, yet it has a dream-like quality too... just lovely.

"Lead me to the dancers
at the jamboree
whose bodies twist
and tremble. " - Amazing opening. I am intrigued, or maybe just a typical man. Still, wonderful opening.


"Sizzling sweat, holy,
hot droplets on shoulders
burying the slap of the day," - Wow.

"Where jump-about musicians
coil, and music curls smoke
from wailing brass." - I promise you I'm trying to find something wrong with this, alas I can't. "jump-about musicians"- Love it.

"lush as a lazy day." - If you are trying to make me jealous, writing wise of course, then mission accomplished. I am going to steal this line.

"tied with slivers of "gold, and orange ribbons." - What is with the use of quotation marks in this line? Did I miss something?

"imported all the way from China. " - This line bothers me a bit.

"where my white skin
turns shades before your eyes." - Yet another line that leaves me in awe.

"and shiver, just shiver" - This my favorite line.

"our bodies boiled and spent." - I don't care for the word boiled here. To me, it sounds a bit too strong, if that makes any sense.

"And it's to the festival today?!" - Not crazy about the punctuation here.

The ending, while nice, seems as though it could be better. I say better as if I could make it better. I could not. In fact I could never really make any part this better, most likely. What I mean to say is I have run out of superlatives while reading this. I am merely at your feet on this one. It truly is remarkable. I feel like I am being to praising now. I must go smack a kitten. When I am done with that I'll come back and read again.

Thank you Bachelorette and Whitaker. Sorry it's taken so long to reply but I've had the flu. Much better now. Both of your points are certainly great food for thought and in re-write they will be strongly considered.

I was going for a dream-like atmosphere, so really glad you picked up on that Bachelorette.

Hey, Whitaker! Don't smack that kitten too hard. I have to resucues living with me. Really, thanks for your advice and appreciation.

Laurie

I like the idea of ending this piece with the image of the pressed flower. It's such a dazzling wordplay.

It has been said that you can't improve on perfection, but this is glorious, sensual and oh so sexy improvement! " bare beneath barracan silk"---delicious ...And I adore the last stanza, poignant with loneliness. With your edit--you added such an elegant subtle, wistful longing...Well done. Peace...Jul