Thread: Banshee Wind

Down the obsidian mountain,
through the sandstone canyons,
as a whirling, dancing dervish,
comes the banshee wind.

Under the fragile faded quilt,
the old woman wakes and shivers,
smiles as she relives the time
of that first banshee wind.

So new to this strange land,
young and terrified,
she clung to her new husband,
afraid of the banshee wind.

Memories of how he held her close,
etched kisses on alabaster skin,
the quilt protected them both
from the raging banshee wind.

She reaches out a trembling hand,
caresses where he once slept,
such a wistful smile as she remembers
the passion of the banshee wind.

Icy fingers probe at the windows,
throw open the bedroom door,
sounds of ghostly feet running,
let in by the banshee wind.

The freezing wind now gentle,
as it carries her away,
spirit free and forever entwined,
with the mournful banshee wind.

Good show, Jul! There's a little of everything here as far as emotion goes, well done. I did have a little problem with the transition of present to past and back again, but I've dung for brains today, so it's probably just me. A few suggestions:

Originally Posted by Firemajic

Down the obsidian mountain,
through the sandstone canyons, (I'd remove the)
wild horses stampeding (perhaps stampede sounds better)
away from the deadly banshee wind.

Under the fragile faded quilt (comma here)
the old woman wakes and shivers,
smiles as she remembers
that first banshee wind.

So new to this strange land,
young and terrified,
she clings to her new husband,
afraid of the screaming banshee wind.

He held her body close,
etched kisses on alabaster skin,
the quilt protected them both, (no comma)
from the raging banshee wind.

She reaches out a trembling hand,
caresses where he once slept,
such a wistful smile as she remembers
the passion of the banshee wind.

Icy finger probe at the windows, (Icy finger probes, or icy fingers probe)
throws open the bedroom door,
sounds of ghostly feet running,
let in by the banshee wind.

The freezing wind now gentle,
as it carries her away,
spirit free and forever entwined,
with the mournful banshee wind.

Love your ending!

Hope this helps some, love. I'll revisit with a clearer mind to see if the transition is still stumping me. Grain of salt, dear, it's probably just me.

Originally Posted by Chester's Daughter

Good show, Jul! There's a little of everything here as far as emotion goes, well done. I did have a little problem with the transition of present to past and back again, but I've dung for brains today, so it's probably just me. A few suggestions:

Love your ending!

Hope this helps some, love. I'll revisit with a clearer mind to see if the transition is still stumping me. Grain of salt, dear, it's probably just me.

Lisa-I will have to think about removing the 3rd line of stanza 1[wild horses stampeding]--I agree-that lines needs to go--but what to replace it with--huuummm. As far as the transition from past to present--the last 2 lines of a stanza tells what is going on in the next stanza--It probably is too obscure . This needs more work. Thank you for your critique...now--back to the drawing board. Peace...Jul

Nien! Do not remove the horse line, I like it, just change stampeding to stampede. Again, as far as the transition goes, it's spelled out, but some reason I was slow catching on and paused to clear things up in my head with one of those "Oh, okay, I get it." Probably just me. I'm off to the cemetery in an hour to lay the blanket down and I'm frazzled. I'll come back in the morning when my mind hasn't been attacked by...just about everything, lol. If I still have a problem, I'll try to zero in on where exactly it is and how to fix it.

Hugs for my friend,
Me

OOPPPS!!I was fast on the trigger!I removed that line --but I think this works well...I am really unsure about the entire poem. Thanks, Jul

Ah, Jul, I am such a sucker for repetition used well, as you've done here.

I think I know why Lisa was having issue with tense, though. In the third stanza, you are referring to something that happened in the past, but you use present tense, whereas in the fourth, you are still referring to the same past event, but you use past tense instead. Somehow I doubt that was intentional. Change the third stanza to past tense, and all is well. Or, if you were trying to make her memory feel like something that was happening right then, change the fourth stanza to present tense. Either way, since you're referring to the same event in both stanzas, the tense has to be consistent.

Don't know if I explained that very well; hopefully you get what I'm saying. Thank you very much for sharing, by the way. This woman's loneliness for her lost husband is almost tangible. Very affecting. Nice work here.

Dear Bachelorette--Once again your keen eye was quick and spot on! I think I have fixed the problem.[I hope]. Thank you so much for reading and replying. I appreciate it. Peace...Jul

Looks good, Jul!

The imagery within this poem is nice and consistent, Firemajic. As Bachelorette also mentioned, you have done well with the repetition. In regards to you being unsure of this piece, I believe you presented the solution by saying "This needs more work."

I have a few suggestions that may help you in your search for comfort with this piece.

-Look at each stanza closely; the adjectives and verbs. Look for any unnecessary adjectives and make the corrections- either removal or replacement.
-Also, look closely at the lines/stanzas you fill dissatisfied with and attempt to pinpoint the cause. A lot of times it's something as simple as the verb(s) chosen. Switch a few out and see if improvement occurs.
-Lastly, when in doubt-CUT! To free your mind of corrections can lead to better creations. If what you cut has some significance within the piece, inevitably it will reappear.

As always, thank you for sharing.

Way to renovate, my love! Many thanks to Ms. B for doing the dirty work for my dung brain. I liked the horse line, I LOVE its replacement, absolutely stunning. Tense issue is solved, Jul and now it's smooth as silk. One little nit, in S6 throws should be throw as you used the plural fingers. Fine work, my dear.

Our_Pneuma--wonderful advice! Thank you for reading and commenting.
Lisa--you are right, I will edit that. Thanks so much for time spent on this poem, It means a lot to me. Peace...Jul