Thread: Boxed

For my childhood,
In celebration of my existence,
I received from my parents,
An empty box.

From plain yellow paper, or was it blue,
They roughly cut out
A cross.
Which they folded into a cube.

A rapidly constructed,
Empty box.
Which they fixed with sellotape.

As they were rather busy,
Demolishing their own lives
With drink and despair.

They left it
At the bottom
Of my bed.

I opened it every day
Every year
In case it had been filled
Maybe once
With flowers and joy
By the love fairy.

But there was no room inside,
Because the empty box,
Was full to overflowing,
With neglect.

Wow, the way this ended was amazing. The mood was set perfectly and made my heart fall with despair. Some word can be change for increased for effect such as sellotape in my opinion. All in all, great poem.

Thanks bearycool for your kind comments. Would you change sellotape because it is a brand or english? I could just say tape, or clear tape? very happy to take this or other suggestions.

Ouch, what a gut punch, but you're quite adept at pugilistic finishes, my dear David. This broke my heart into little bits. I must, however, again cite those pesky caps as a distraction and there is a little too much punctuation, both lending to disrupting your flow. A few suggestions:

Originally Posted by Ravel

For my childhood,
In celebration of my existence,
I received from my parents, (remove the comma)
An empty box. (nix the cap)

From plain yellow paper, or was it blue, (really love the meaning attached to blue here)
They roughly cut out (nix the cap)
A cross. (nix the cap and the period, that full stop doesn't belong there)
Which they folded into a cube. (nix the cap)

A rapidly constructed, (nix the comma)
Empty box. (nix the cap and the period)
Which they fixed with sellotape. (nix the cap, unlike Beary, I've no problem with sellotape, nix the period as the thought continues into the next stanza)

As they were rather busy, (nix the cap and the comma)
Demolishing their own lives (nix the cap)
With drink and despair. (nix the cap)

They left it
At the bottom (nix the cap)
Of my bed. (nix the cap)

I opened it every day
Every year (nix the cap)
In case it had been filled (nix the cap)
Maybe once (nix the cap)
With flowers and joy (nix the cap)
By the love fairy. (nix the cap)

But there was no room inside,
Because the empty box, (nix the cap and the period)
Was full to overflowing, (nix the cap and the comma)
With neglect. (nix the cap)

I'm an idiot, I should have just implemented my suggestions to allow you to see how it flows without all those caps and extra punctuation. If you'd like me to show you the finished product after the changes are made, I'd be happy to return to that end. This is a truly excellent piece, love, kudos.

Best,
Lisa

Needs reducing, at the moment we have stock when we need jus... I only say this because there is a cracking poem waiting to get out, but you tell us too much, which for me reduces the starkness that belongs at the heart of the poem. I know I maybe shouldn't, but I have cut and shut to give you an idea of what I mean - I often find it helpful when it happens to me, it makes me look at my work with a different eye - You are of course at liberty to ignore anything and all I say.

I have a basic problem with the first line - How long is childhood, how many times was the poet in receipt of this box? The sheer physicality of the cutting of the box (Incidentally, it is difficult to make a box from paper) implies a concrete reality rather than a metaphoric box, so was it a repeated event, the same box given several times, or a metaphor for the thoughtlessness of the act of giving ( I rather suspect the latter, but I may not be reading that with clarity).


For my childhood,
I received from my parents,
an empty box.

Cut from plain brown card
a rough cross,
which when folded, made
an empty box
fixed with sellotape.

They were busy
demolishing their own lives
with drink and despair
so they left it
at the bottom
of my bed.

I open it every day
of every year
just in case, maybe this once,
it had been filled
with love,

but there is no room inside
an empty box overflowing
with neglect.

Thanks guys for your feedback I will muse on your suggestions Bloggsworth. I feel your reduction has lost more than I would wish, but then I approve of reduction in principle. Its just tough in practice.

Lisa -sweetie - I would be delighted to see your re-punctuated version! I am laughing because I added all the commas and caps and such after my original, as I have some recollection of previous feedback saying I was under-punctuated.

I have now invented two new words I believe; re-punctuated, under-punctuated.

Peace
Ravel aka David

Originally Posted by Ravel

Lisa -sweetie - I would be delighted to see your re-punctuated version! I am laughing because I added all the commas and caps and such after my original, as I have some recollection of previous feedback saying I was under-punctuated.

I have now invented two new words I believe; re-punctuated, under-punctuated.

Peace
Ravel aka David

Forgive me, David, but I had quite a giggle at this. I kinda figured that was what happened as I recalled our telling you in a piece or two, that you were under-puncutated. Don't feel bad, love, happy mediums are hard to come by, take it from me, I know, lol. Your wish is both my command and pleasure. Here goes:

For my childhood,
in celebration of my existence,
I received from my parents
an empty box.

From plain yellow paper, or was it blue,
they roughly cut out
a cross
which they folded into a cube.

A rapidly constructed
empty box
which they fixed with sellotape

as they were rather busy
demolishing their own lives
with drink and despair.

They left it
at the bottom
of my bed.

I opened it every day
every year
in case it had been filled
maybe once
with flowers and joy
by the love fairy.

But there was no room inside,
because the empty box
was full to overflowing
with neglect.

Line breaks are our best friends, they guide the reader for us. Often, a strategically place break can work in lieu of actual punctuation as people tend to slow slightly at the end of a line. Should you desire an elongated pause, use a comma or semicolon to that end. Definitely use commas to flank independent clauses, and periods should only be be used at the end of a complete thought because they entice a dead stop. As for caps, best to only use them at the beginning of sentences and for proper nouns. People tend to pause at a cap because in prose it indicates a new sentence. Pepper them throughout your piece and reading becomes akin to a car ride with a ninety year old first time driver, lol. Hope this helps some, dear David, and again, fine work.

Best,
Me

Oops, almost forgot. The rule for punctuation is usually all or none. Some pieces, however, just can't be properly read without being heavily punctuated. It's a piece by piece determination.

Love it. Very sad. I like the style you have going on here.

Thank you so much Lisa - for all your good advice and care. I am buying your version and have updated my master version in my anthology (ie my hard-drive)

I have written a new poem today which is (a) more positive than my recent run of melancholic verses [I am generally an upbeat, relaxed and happy guy despite, or maybe because of my poetic dark shadows] and (b) hopefully with a more than perfunctory approach to punctuation! It is called The Kitchen.

Have a lovely Christmas . . . .

Thank you also unseen for you comment.

I like Bloggsworth's edit, but I think it would be stronger without the ending stanza. It seems to try too hard to be clever. Here's how an edit would look (also changed the linebreak from "so they left it" to "so they left / it" because it is stronger and has a double meaning):

For my childhood,
I received from my parents
an empty box.

Cut from plain brown card
a rough cross,
which when folded, made
an empty box
fixed with sellotape.

They were busy
demolishing their own lives
with drink and despair
so they left
it at the bottom
of my bed.

I open it every day
of every year
just in case, maybe this once,
it has been filled
with love.

A very sad story, I like the stark nature of it, almost detached. It works well for this piece.

I am not opposed to the idea of maximizing punctuation, line break, and the use of "correct" words. However, when reading this poem and observing its purpose, I feel the writer has presented a poem developed from raw emotion. Ultimately, the feeling of neglect and emptiness.

With that said, try striping the piece of all punctuation and use capital letters only when the emphasis is desired. This will help- if the feeling of neglect and emptiness are desired for this piece.

David, think about what you felt before writing the poem; think about each feeling stirring inside while writing it. The things which lead you to create this piece (the feelings, emotions, the rawness that is already prevalent) are the things most important to achieve. What you feel is what you want the reader to also feel. Do your best to not focus on the superficial, which may take away from the poem's fundamental purpose. Focus on what you want Boxed to say and ( and as I previously mentioned) how it should make the reader feel. Start from the original piece if necessary, just don't allow it to loose substance- if anything, create more!

Thank you for sharing, David. Poems like Boxed are most difficult. They're also most appreciated.

Our_Pneuma - your words struck me and helped me focus. I am leaving the poem's words as I first wrote it, with thanks to Bloggsworth and JohnM. Your advice of thinning out is very applicable to some of my writing - but this one I feel needs to keep every nuance and twist, and sense of irony. Also - I feel the poem "wrote itself" (if you will forgive the cliche) and I should not tinker too much with it.

"in celebration of my existence" - is a vital line in terms of the feelings I had when I wrote it. A veil of sarcasm barely hiding the hurt and anger.

The punctuation debate has been fascinating. In the end I am going for lower case and minimal punctuation (your version Lisa with a couple of commas removed). Starkness. Thanks ever so much Lisa and O_P for advice. All good learning for me.



For my childhood
in celebration of my existence
I received from my parents
an empty box.

From plain yellow paper
or was it blue
they roughly cut out
a cross.
which they folded into a cube.

A rapidly constructed
empty box
which they fixed with sellotape.

as they were rather busy,
demolishing their own lives
with drink and despair

They left it
at the bottom
of my bed.

I opened it every day
every year
in case it had been filled
maybe once
with flowers and joy
by the love fairy.

But there was no room inside
because the empty box
was full to overflowing
with neglect.

This is a very sad and overwhelming piece of poetry.
I think in every piece that is devastatingly poignant and tragic I always look for a better/improving ending.
Something to give the reader as a kind of relief otherwise the saddness will transfer to them and may affect them too.

For a poem about an empty box--you packed this one full of poignant misery, disappointment and heartbreak...complex in the emotional imagery--this is one I will not soon forget. So very well done! Peace...Jul