Thread: Spirit

Flame in utter darkness, you compel a sea of interminable possibilities with every motion
and oblivion touches that potential only succeeding in carving a path for you.
The embers of the big bang smolder inside you. You are life.

This is a pretty deep poem, but the structure of it takes away from it. I think this can be split up a bit more and maybe even added on to.

I like it. A lot.
Here's my play on what you have said. I tend to use simple words, simply because my vocab is not that great. I am not trying to put your poem down. I really like it, that is the only reason I even say something. I only tried to do this because of bearycool's comment.

Spirit (Retake)

Flames in Darkness.
Endless Possibilities.
Motion and oblivion.
Potential of Success.
Carving thy Path.
Big-Bang Embers.
Smolder Within.
You are life.

I liked the poem also, but I'll agree it would help if you changed the structure. Also, the word "interminable" really stops the flow for me. A shorter, simpler word might work better. I'll admit that plain, Anglo-Saxon English works better for me. Otherwise, great stuff.

doghouse reilly