Thread: Black Bird

A cormorant in the rain
alights on a rotting
spar rising from
the salt stained silt,
this itinerant angler balancing
above the turbid water of the Dart
watches as an iridescence of trout
nibble crustaceans at the base
of a post bearing the admonition
“No Fishing in the Marina.”

Too many inconsistencies, the spar comes out of salt stained silt and holds the bird over the water. The water is turbid, I think of trout as liking clear water, they would not shine in turbid water, that starts me wondering if they are rainbow trout or brown trout that would live in the Dart, and what is it doing flowing through a marina, and sorry, you lost my attention, where were we?

To a degree, this effort puts me in mind of the famous quote by Samuel McChord Crothers:

"A prose writer gets tired of writing prose, and wants to be a poet. So he begins every line with a capital letter, and keeps on writing prose."

Well that's me told then...

You should try pentameters, don't worry about iambs and dactyls at the beginning, simply split it up so that you get ten syllables to a line and the lines split in sensible places.

A/ cor/mor/ant/ in /the/ rain/ sits/ on/ a/
rot/ting /spar/ a/ris/ing/ from/ the/ salty/ silt

Such lines tend to split naturally into two parts and take about a single breath, that instantly gives the writing a relaxed feel and a rhythm.

After reading Olly's post, I know now that I am just not a poetry person. I thought it sounded good. I suppose I just didn't know the language so I didn't notice the inconsistencies.

Originally Posted by JDegg

After reading Olly's post, I know now that I am just not a poetry person. I thought it sounded good. I suppose I just didn't know the language so I didn't notice the inconsistencies.

I disagree. If you liked it, you liked it. Olly is a smart man, but he has his opinions and you have yours.

Personally, as far as the rhythm is concerned, I liked it. I really did like the ending as well. Seeing as how I know absolutely nothing about seafaring culture, I didn't have any issue with the logic of it all. But I did get a little lost with the diction. Bloggs - I would like to see you write something with simpler language. Just a thought...

Everyone has opinions and points of views folks. Thats the point of this site.