Thread: Angel (Away)

To see the moon rise
only to be captured
on the surface of your glasses
and grace your shoulders
with white light
like the seeds of wings
is all I can ask for,
and hope to observe.

To hold your hand
as the moon rides the curve
of a star spattered sky
and talk turns to whimsy
and wishes and dreams
like talk always turns
in the infinite eventually,
is more than I deserve.

And there in that place
we were safe from the outside
And there in that place
we had room to be honest
Here in the places
where we find ourselves
connected only by electrons,
angels fear to tread.

You've really captured a sense of longing for a real life connection here. Whomever inspired this is very lucky to be loved in this way. My favorite is the first stanza:

To see the moon rise
only to be captured
on the surface of your glasses
and grace your shoulders
with white light
like the seeds of wings
is all I can ask for,
and hope to observe.

This hooked me right away.

*Pls keep in mind, my suggestions are not meant for change, only another reader's pov*

To see the moon rise
only to be captured
on the surface of your glasses ( double on/only - small thing )
and grace your shoulders
with white light
like the seeds of wings (do you need 'the' )
is all I can ask for,
and hope to observe.



To hold your hand
as the moon rides the curve (for me, 'the curve of' lessens the image, curve becomes too strong an image, ' as the moon rides a star splattered sky' ? )
of a star spattered sky
and talk turns to whimsy
and wishes and dreams
like talk always turns
in the infinite eventually,
is more than I deserve.


And there in that place
we were safe from the outside (the outside - weakens the safety of where they are, you put them in the place, but refer away)
And there in that place
we had room to be honest
Here in the places
where we find ourselves
connected only by electrons,
angels fear to tread. (the change of tense to present conflicted for me - maybe 'streams of electrons' to show more a path to tread? )

**

Very nice imagery, peacefully enjoyed

S

this was really something special huh, maybe put it on the christmas list?

This is a beautiful piece, and as Cindy says, it captures the longing for reality when caught in romantic illusions.

I understand your structure, equal number of lines and the comma in the end, but since the content is free-verse I don't think you really need such a structure. I also think the piece could do with a trimming here and there, f.ex. the line and hope to observe is really not necessary at all along with connected only by electrons, which actually detracted from the meaning of places for me. There are other places as well, where two lines could melt together to one, and some words could be omitted. In this sense it seems your structure is a bit forced...

You have a lovely wording and the idea and content is very good, so cutting the piece down to its essence would definitely be worth while in my opinion. Good work.