Thread: The Appointment

New title:

The Long Way Round

Revision

How boring the life of a dry-day
child on the all too short walk
to the dentist. There are no streams
to stamp in, no good reason
to wear wellie-boots and go
puddle-jumping in the park
as today, only sunbeams fall
from autumn trees to play
upon the dry, they make no waves
when swished by a black booted
boy, his sou'wester set ajaunt
against a sun shining unwantedly.

Original

How boring the life of a dry-day
child, no streams to stamp in,
no excuse to wear wellie-boots
and go puddle-jumping in the park.
There’s only so much fun to be had
catching sycamore seeds as they
autorotate to their destinies.

Today, only fractal sunbeams
tumble from autumn trees to lie
upon the dry, they make no waves
when swished by a black booted foot
wielded by a disgruntled boy,
his sou'wester set at a a'jaunt against
the unwanted sun on the too too
short journey to the dentist.

I liked this.

A few things.

I think 'child' could be removed, center on the surroundings first, how they effect someone, and then the end, instead of 'son' which lessens because you were describing 'sunbeams' prior in such a nice way, there you can use child.

'individual' destinies - you are saying the same thing twice ' as they autorotate to their - ie - The crowd dispersed to their homes - it can be assumed without telling.

and go puddle-jumping in the park - I like the image, but you use puddle before, so the second use lessened it for me. I do like both lines.

Today, only fractal sunbeams
tumbling from autumn trees lie upon
the dry, making no waves when

I think your passages can be stronger without as many gerunds.

*

Thank you for the read. I never liked dentistry as a kid and still like puddle-jumping in.

S

this was kinda cutsey huh? tooth aches are never fun either
poor kid ha

"Today, only fractal sunbeams
tumble from autumn trees to lie
upon the dry, they"

I think a dash is better suited here than commas.

Aside from that, this is wonderful. I love the moment of this. It's tightly packed and says just what's needed to be said.

Oops! Better put the latest version up...