Thread: My Lyrical Life

Removed

I really love how your poem illustrates the title you've chosen. You do a great job of creating music with the simple observations and tasks of the everyday. I love "the mythic cat" and the rhyme "occasion/heron". That line break adds to the subtle strength of it.

I did have to re-read a few lines, simply to fully understand the syntax. Phrasing like "should/ it swim past" and "make for/ their own horizon". The sentiment is understood, and I don't think they're bad sentences - I just think for such a tightly packed poem as this, clarity is most important.

My other crits. "I have a song, which I may sing/ to you" - I like this, but I think the "you" is too vague. I would like the "you" if the final line included "my love" or "your love" instead of just "love". I think that last line needs something regardless though. Simple "love" seems way too broad compared to the rest of the specific poem. Maybe you were going for that contrast, but I don't think it should be that broad.

Next, why the italicized "I"? Just wondering.

Finally - I would lose the first comma after "song". Right now, it makes sense. But I think the flow of the line would be better without it.

Great piece, my friend. Super impressed.

How's that?

I caught the italic button with an ill-controlled finger.

I enjoyed it..quite clever..distractions in life are part of what make us. I am a great believer in that.
great ideas there.

I think that is a HUGE improvement. Very nice.

Love the structure of the poem - it read well for me.

Gave me a minute of enjoyment while bored at work!