Thread: Silence

Waiting,
Frustrating,
Counting the tortured minutes until
Blank.
nothing.
Senseless.
Hoping against reason
I deliver my aching heart
Into the insatiable murderous void.
Strangled by emptiness,
Dismantled by silence.

I like this poem - short and sharp.

I like the way it's structured and the way it finishes. I feel like the poem starts off building towards something but then becomes thoughtful which matches with the words and there meaning.

Thanks for your kind response Thandar. I was beginning to believe the poem was prophetic!

Hello.

For me, the poem is better with less of the preamble, which because of a few reasons lost momentum for me, but the last stanza I really like.

I deliver my aching heart
into the insatiable void
strangled by emptiness
dismantled in silence

*

The above is the heart of the poem. The first stanza felt fragmented and un-needed to me.

Edit- I forgot to mention why I changed two things

'murderous' - felt out of place in the meaning. It doesn't feel to belong

'in/by' - there are two reasons why I suggest change to 'in' one to rid one 'by' the other is it says more 'in silence' (says two things vice one, so this gives the reader a broader spectrum to work with in their imagination of images.

one opinion does not give reason for change

enjoyed

What I got from this piece, was someone craving another one, but that other one refusing to 'comply' by being completely silent when told of his or her desires. However even though this was what I got, it was quite weak and in general the piece suffers from being extremely abstract. I think you should rewrite it with some more concrete images to mix in with the abstract sensations you deliver in almost every line...