Thread: Once Were We Children

That moment when attraction becomes a complex jigsaw puzzle is a difficult moment to handle. The progression of things scares me. I was hoping to capture a little of that in this piece.

All crits are welcome and encouraged. Thank you.

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Once Were We Children

It definitely came off to me as the difficulty of committing to someone. The way I read it was how the worldly aesthetics changed in accordance with the attraction. But I might actually have been biased by your explanation. Without it though, I fear the piece might be a little too abstract. It also seemed very personal and not really that 'critical' so it didn't do much for me on an emotional level. The last stanza I felt came a bit sudden. The shadows could do with a little more introduction somehow.

Then in the first 17 lines you have two I's. In the last 12 you have eight. That could probably be revised for a smoother read.

I hope it helped...

I'm working my way through for the third time, which is either because I'm thick or something doesn't quite gel for me. This stanza in particular feels out of kilter:

Somewhere between Highway 34
and Nebraska,
we stopped at a tin gas station
to buy last minute wedding presents;
the windows were green with bugs,
the clerk wore plaid and a glass eye.

Somewhere feels indefinite, wishy washy, I feel that the verse would be more positive were it not there, after all, highway 34 is nearly 400 miles long, that's vague enough. The 4th and 5th lines seem out of order, and did the clerk really wear a glass eye? Not too sure about the 3rd line, perhaps a hyphen between gas and station.

Between Highway 34
and Nebraska,
we stopped at a tin gas-station,
its windows green with bugs -
bought last minute wedding presents.
The one-eyed clerk wore plaid.

And there's more (which is the punchline of an old Irish comedian, so read it with an Irish accent; if it still means nothing, move on):

I glanced at you over a shelf
full of thick, cotton shirts with pictures of wolves. - So, were there shirts and pictures of wolves on the same shelf, or shirts depicting wolves?
You laughed (as you always do)
with curt, - Curt has an air of rudness about it, perhaps you meant it in the sense of sharp?
loud
bellows.

I like you, I thought. I like you. Perhaps the 2nd I like you should have more of a sense of confirmation about it - I like you, I thought, I really like you.

Now I stand in your room –
your dance studio, I called it –
as you undress near the mirror.

I turn away to examine an empty handle
of Tennessee’s finest. You talk, - OK, you got me...
and I wonder if you love me.

Soon, I will have to face my shadows
and all the places they’ve been.
They lurk, like cobwebs in a the forest – Be definite, this is the place of your shadows.
slung and dipped,
sticking to shoulders.

Certainly a very personal poem, and one that might be difficult to relate to something grander. I do struggle with that balance.

Bloggs - some excellent ideas. I will be revisiting this when I have time.

Thank you both.

Gorgeous. I hate not giving crits, but I have nothing to crit. I'm going to go read it a few more times.

Edit:

Once Were We Children

Smokestack Lightning and a sipping whiskey...

beautifully evocative. You paint a picture and a story with your words.

Thank you both, although I'm not sure I quite understand your comment, Bloggs. I know the song you're referencing, but still...