Thread: Split Scene

Removed

Okay. I think you have an interesting idea here, but I must admit that your word-choice and images made the point of this poem very ambiguous, which is something that I normally love in poetry (as I tend to be very ambiguous myself). However, there are a few things that I find myself questioning for this piece. Examples:

I stumble
down shadowed sideswipes,
oblique in the evening sun.

"oblique in the evening sun" is really interesting here, but what that implies to me is that they're set off from the sun, therefore, shadowed, and therefore, it's a little redundant.

Sintered light coalesces on
puddled cobbles,

Again, really interesting word-choice and vocabulary for this, but the image here is begging for something more concrete, and I think the way to fix that is to alter "puddled cobbes." I'm assuming you're talking about, like, cobblestone, since you're using cobble as a noun, but puddled literally puddles the image. Maybe another word. Is there an actual/metaphorical cobblestone road? Or just stones? It's unclear to me.

unclaimed
urchins play whoops-a-doodle,
tossing old pennies against
soft stuccoed walls, flaking
white with each strike of copper
on ancient render.

The first half of this image is really interesting and something I can fully grasp, but I would completely cut "with each strike of copper on ancient render." The image is already saying that before you do.

Their shrill
cries split the close and fillet
my consciousness, re-layering
the half forgotten.

Who's crying? The "unclaimed urchins," I'm assuming, but it almost reads like the pennies. I'm not sure which you were intending. I was also a little bewildered by "split the close." I wasn't really sure what the close was, though the rest of the poem is really interesting. I also lost the "you" in this poem. It's at the beginning, then there's a series of interesting images, and then it's there again.

Basically, I'm a little stumped, I suppose. I'd like something more concrete here. However, I will say that the imagery here and the ideas are peculiar in the most wonderful way.

I refer you to "Don't Ask Me What I Mean" Edited by Clare Brown & Don Patterson...

Close:

(Scot) the entry from the street to a tenement building or (English) commonly a narrow alley or passageway, not a main thoroughfare.

Originally Posted by Bloggsworth

I stumble

down shadowed sideswipes,
oblique in the evening sun.
Sintered light coalesces on
puddled cobbles, unclaimed
urchins play whoops-a-doodle;
tossing old pennies against
soft stuccoed walls, flaking
white with each strike of copper
on ancient render; their shrill
cries splitting the close and filleting
my consciousness, re-layering
the half forgotten.

This is an intriguing little snapshot of a moment, or handful of moments, but I think it could be pared down a bit more to give it more impact.

First of all, Angel is right: you don't need the word "shadowed" at the beginning.

Second, "puddled cobbles" might be changed to "puddles in cobbles." I know that adds an extra syllable, but the image is much clearer.

Third, nix "copper on ancient render." I like the sound of it, but it draws attention away from "white with each strike," which is a really excellent internal slant rhyme. Plus you get some nice alliteration with "strike", "shrill" and "spitting."

Finally, I love the ending, but I'm not sure about "filleting my consciousness." I kind of want this to read "flaying my consciousness" instead, although that's not quite the same meaning.

Apologies in advance if this is unhelpful. I haven't done poetry crits for some time and I'm feeling really rusty.

Originally Posted by Bachelorette

This is an intriguing little snapshot of a moment, or handful of moments, but I think it could be pared down a bit more to give it more impact.

First of all, Angel is right: you don't need the word "shadowed" at the beginning.

Second, "puddled cobbles" might be changed to "puddles in cobbles." I know that adds an extra syllable, but the image is much clearer.

Third, nix "copper on ancient render." I like the sound of it, but it draws attention away from "white with each strike," which is a really excellent internal slant rhyme. Plus you get some nice alliteration with "strike", "shrill" and "spitting."

Finally, I love the ending, but I'm not sure about "filleting my consciousness." I kind of want this to read "flaying my consciousness" instead, although that's not quite the same meaning.

Apologies in advance if this is unhelpful. I haven't done poetry crits for some time and I'm feeling really rusty.

Get a dictionary and look up the word oblique if you can find any dictionary where it says that it means the same as shadow, I will send you sixpence

Puddled - Subject to puddling or form by puddling. A dip in the road may be subject to puddling, uneven cobbles may be subject to puddling, neither would be "puddles in...".

If there is no copper striking ancient render, what is causing the flaking?

Had I wished to flay (strip the skin off) my poetic conscience I would have said so, but not being a masochist, I chose to rearrange the layers of half-forgotten memory.

When I think of "oblique," I think of diverging or splitting off, and when you say "from the evening sun," it IMPLIES shadowed. That's what I was saying.

Oh, and "tossing pennies against soft stuccoed walls" would be doing the flaking in my head.

And frankly, your response to two decent reviews was ridiculous. If I wrote-off a review everytime someone didn't get something, I'd be writing-off every review. It's just rude. My time is limited, and I'm not wasting my time anymore.

Just thought I'd mention that my nits weren't the result of my not knowing what the words meant. I was thinking more in terms of sound, and of making the snapshot tighter. Angel made some good points, and I was trying to build on her review. You're free to disagree, but it won't kill you to be respectful about it.

Bloggsworth, your first line, only two words, called out to my compassionate side “I stumble”. Who in this life cannot relate to this personal state of affair? It’s universal. You grabbed me from this beginning.

“oblique in the evening sun”

Brilliant use of Figure of Speech “Contrast“ The juxtaposition of opposites to create a striking effect. And that you did.

urchins play whoops-a-doodle;
tossing old pennies against
soft stuccoed walls,

Here we have vivid action. Drew me right in. I’m there with the urchins tossing old pennies, thinking of Dickens’s “Oliver Twist.” I’m introduced to England’s dear side, once again.

You have produced an elegantly wrought poem despite a deeply felt blealkness.　

Originally Posted by Angel101

When I think of "oblique," I think of diverging or splitting off...

Angel, you kick off your critique by telling me I don't need to use a word which doesn't mean what you take it to mean, you later justify this by telling us that you take it to mean something different again - shadows are areas hidden from direct light; obliqueness references the characteristics of angles. I don't think it is rude to suggest that one checks the correct meaning of a word before one criticises its use.

My brain makes the connection to the shadow. Oblique also refers to "diverging from a given straight line or course," which is what I was trying to say. When you say "oblique in the evening sun" it was like you were saying that it was set off from the sun, and so I was like, "well, DUH!" What I was suggesting was maybe using a different word that doesn't have multiple meanings like that to show the angles you're trying to create with the shadow. But it's your work, so you have the right to do what you want with it. It was merely a suggestion. The way you dismissed it was rude. You could just say, "Thanks, but I disagree." And whatever. I disagree with reviews all the time. Nothing wrong with that.

In that case, thanks, but I disagree with you unilaterally altering the meaning of a word in order to beat me over the head with it . You will no doubt have noticed that I have altered it, but differently...

Hmm... any particular reason for your choice of line breaks, dear friend?

Yes. With which particular one(s) do you have an issue? You're up early (or haven't got to bed yet!)

Insomnia is my poetic friend but my real life enemy.

My line break issue is mainly in the middle of the poem.

Originally Posted by Bloggsworth

I stumble Perfect

down shadowed sideswipes, Perfect
oblique in the evening sun.
Sintered light coalesces on Perfect
puddled cobbles, unclaimed I didn't like this one at first, but I do now.
urchins play whoops-a-doodle;
tossing old pennies against Here I think the walls should be on the same line as the tossed pennies.
stuccoed walls, flaking white
with each strike of copper
on render; their shrill cries These last three I don't like because of the natural pauses created. They feel awkward to me.
splitting the close and filleting Perfect
my consciousness, re-layering Perfect
the half-remembered.

I like the new edit, to me, perfect.