Thread: Split Scene

SG, perhaps you should rename yourself Nighthawk.

I stumble

down shadowed sideswipes,
oblique in the evening sun. - You left this one out, is it neither perfect nor wrong, or just so-so?
Sintered light coalesces on
puddled cobbles, unclaimed
urchins play whoops-a-doodle;
tossing old pennies against stuccoed walls,
flaking white with each strike of copper
on render; their shrill cries - What about their shrill cries? Read on...
splitting the close and filleting
my consciousness, re-layering
the half-remembered.


Definitely something to think about SG, but I feel that re-breaking lines 7,8,9 & 10, and making them just two lines, makes the progression rather obvious; I think this is a conflict between reading and hearing., it removes any ambiguity from the actions, I wanted a disjunction between action and effect, so against what and why flaking white? Realigned it sounds as one would read it, but I preferred to break the lines for an on the page effect. I'll think about it.

What nobody has queried is whoops-a-doodle, which is a figment of my imagination, a game which I always thought should exist, but doesn't.

The two I left out I thought were fine.

I like your explanation. I'll leave it to your judgement, obviously. I took whoops-a-doodle to be some obscure Britishism that I am not cultured enough to catch. I like your explanation better.