Thread: Drifter

Black clouds against an empty sea
have long seen the lost souls adrift
that come by ones on desolate waves.
Amidst the shapeless cavern of water,
hope is always beyond the horizon,
where hording currents will never go,
never again will castaway know.

High above the taken vessels,
long ago damned to rot,
broken men have cried for mercy,
for sight of standing castle rock.
Here lie heroes taken under
long forgotten among names of stone.
Trojans and Spartans together have fallen;
the lost have known only the lonely sea.

hording - hoarding ?

"Poetic language" is not to my taste, I fail to see that it adds anything real to the message; how about moving the 'long' in the second line to after 'have' or before 'lost' for example?

That sounds better. Thanks.

I really like the concept here, and I think the second stanza is excellent. My one critique is that this feels very wordy. I think there are certainly places where you can economize your language in this.

I agree with Glass. There were places in this piece that were very rich with rhythm, but then the line afterward broke the rhythm with a few too many words. For example:

High above the taken vessels,
long ago damned to rot,
broken men have cried for mercy,
for sight of standing castle rock.
Here lie heroes taken under
long forgotten among names of stone.

Flows beautifully, and then that last line takes it away. Too many syllables.

I also agree with Olly about the "poetic language," but there's nothing wrong with it if it's your style.

I'm all for poetic language. It's a fundamental part of the art for me.

I think you have something really good here, that could be polished to become even better. In general your phrases and imagery are deep and evocative, and they really take me there.

where hording currents will never go,
never again will castaway know.

This rhyme came off as too forced for me.

Last stanza is the one that could do with most work I think. I actually didn't appreciate the Trojans and Spartans reference, as it took away from the universal feel. And the very last line doesn't flow as well as the others, which I think is very important for an ending to do.

But still very good work, it seems like you spent some time with it. I'd love to see any further edits you might make.

I prefer poetic language too. It makes your work stand out as an individual art, rather than another link in the chain of creations. I agree with Martin, though; that rhyme felt a bit too forced for me too. Although, I can't think of how to improve it (I'm no master of poetry). It might just be a matter of taste.

Thanks guys. My Ap Lang Comp teacher makes us journal. I was going to expound on this because I was bored with the crap topics she usually gives us. I didn't quite finish though. I haven't written a whole lot in a while, so I decided to share what I had. I'll try to work on this one in the near future. I will update if so.

I really like this - and although some have said it is too wordy - i quite like the way certain sentences throw it out of rhythm.

For example:

"High above the taken vessels,
long ago damned to rot,
broken men have cried for mercy,
for sight of standing castle rock.
Here lie heroes taken under
long forgotten among names of stone."

I like the fact the last line has slightly more syllables - maybe thats just me though!