Thread: Gravity

gravity
is,
a force of two,
a linear pull,
an extension of points,
that forms together
a circular wall,
gravity feels lightless and free
and subsequently
you and I are standing
prompted by tangent
a giratory movement,
the sensory force,
that keeps us together forever and ever.

Originally Posted by Nacian

gravity
is,this comma should come after "two"
a force of two
a linear pull,
an extension of points
that form together"together" doesn't fit here syntactically, and it's meaning is inferred anyway.
a circular wall,
gravity feels lightless and free
and subsequently forth,I have no idea what "subsequently forth" means. I'm also unsure as to why you are standing subsequently, since gravity is not a single event in time but rather an ever-present force.
you and I are standing
against a tangent comma
a will if we may, I don't understand how a will and a tangent are equivalent. They could be, but you'll have to give me more info for why they are in this specific context.
that is stronger then light,
others might call it
a giratory movement "gyration" would flow better, since "gyratory" already implies a form of motion.
a sensatory force I don't know what a "sensatory" force is. It seems like you just wanted to parallel "giratory", which isn't that effective of a phrasing anyway.
that keeps us together forever and never.Never how? And why the separate font?

I really don't get what you're trying to say here. It seems like gravity is supposed to be a metaphor for romantic attraction? If so, you're being too abstract in my opinion.

some amendments have been made and thank you again for reading my little piece Llasir.

I am trying to define gravity and cross it with us,mere mortals to convey the message that without this force none of us will ba standing let alone being.

I liked the brevity and the unusual rhythm of your poem. There are a few redundancies that I can see, where you have used 2 words that say the same thing, and there are also some words which needed tweaking to get the meaning clear.

I know that the previous poster said take change 'never' to 'ever', but I quite like that contradiction. It's like saying, 'our attraction will always keep us in one another's lives, but we will never really be together'.

To keep with the clean, concise style you've started with, can I suggest these amendments?

gravity
is,
a force of two,
a linear pull,
an extension of points,
that come together
a circular wall,
gravity feels light and free
and subsequently
you and I are standing
prompted by a tangent,
a gyration,
a movement,
the sensory force,
that keeps us together forever and never.

I know that English is not your first language, so I really commend you on constantly expanding your vocabulary and using it in your work. If I were to try write poetry in my second language it would probably be 5 lines long and focus almost entirely on my cat.

One thing I try to tell my clients who are new to corporate writing is that if you are struggling to make a sentence work, or are struggling to get your point across, then stop, take a breath and then try to make it as simple as possible.

Sometimes the best way to say something is also the easiest.

Looking forward to reading more of your stuff

hey BabaYaga thank you for reading my poem.
I really appreciate your advice and yes the poem looks much better now.
I kept lightless to indicate that gravity has neither light or weight to it, therefore lightless is what I put as there is no other word for it.
the other point is this
ever or never? that is the question
depending on what the reader is thinking, then 'ever' could be a positive ending
and never, for those who are not so keen and eternal togetherness can have enjoy the 'never' ending.

also why not gyratory movement but gyration and movement?
I seem to prefer the first one.

I love abstract art; it inspires me. I really enjoyed this; It's poweful stuff, if a bit complex for me. I really need to develop my lexis a bit more...

Originally Posted by Cadence

I love abstract art; it inspires me. I really enjoyed this; It's poweful stuff, if a bit complex for me. I really need to develop my lexis a bit more...

thank you Cadence..why don't you give it a go...