My first poem on the forum

[MaggieMoo]

Hi all, this is my first poem on the forum. Any critique is welcome.

The Black Rose

Enter at your own risk;
into a heart of darkness
filled with broken promises,
for a black rose and her final departure.
From a Prince who thought he could!
Leaving her broken heart; fooled,
now, wearing a hat of shame.
With blade in hand and death trap ahead,
he returns to repair her dark soul.
Alas he is too late, his rose is scorched
as her heart bleeds charcoal.
He watches his black rose’s final departure
and cowls like a coward that he is…
He will return another day
in search of another rose,
red with ruby heart.
Maybe her eyes will soften his heart
and the black rose shall be revenged.

[Chiefspider]

I see a lot of potential in this piece, it starts out as if we are entering a horror poem, however I feel it slips out of that area as I read on, I am not sure if you wanted a horror theme for it, but if so then it is heading in the right direction - a few pointers.



Enter at your own risk;(loved these first two lines)
into a heart of darkness
filled with broken promises,
for a darkened flower (black rose felt a little cliche - you can make it work if you wish, i just changed rose to flower for the sake of a rhyme)
and her fleeting departure.
From a Prince who thought he could!
Leaving her heart broken and fooled (loved these lines - but felt the commas interrupted the flow)
now, wearing a hat of shame.
With blade in hand, and death trap ahead
he returns to repair her dark soul.
Alas he is too late, his rose is scorched
as her heart bleeds charcoal.
He watches his black rose’s final departure
and cowls like a coward that he is…
He will return another day
in search of another rose,
red with ruby heart.
Maybe her eyes will soften his heart(I would find another word to replace this "heart" for it seems repetitive from the heart only 1line up)
and the darkened flower shall be revenged(again, rose works fine for your piece - just a suggestion)

Unfortunately I have work in 2minutes so I couldn't go over the whole piece - was a very good read and keep in mind these are suggestions , it is fine is

Keep up the good work!

[MaggieMoo]

Hello Chiefspider. Firstly I would like to say that your profile pic is ab fab. Ha ha. Secondly thanks for your help with my poem. You are right, it did start off a little dark. But my main point was; a lover suicide, hence the charcol/black, death, etc... I will work on some of your points and repost it on this thread.
Again, thanks kindly for your response.
mm

[Nacian]

MaggieMoo this is absolutely charming...
I have never seen a black rose and therefore the whole peom is an intrigue and very cleverly written..it did remind me of Shakespeare tragedies.
I enjoyed it

[MaggieMoo]

Oh thanks Nacian, my work has reminded people of 'the pens of a stockyard' but never Shakespeares Tragedies. Ha ha.
Golly, if I could come even close to that, I would be winning a battle.

[Nacian]

hey Maggie your first peom is a really a success and I look forward to reading more of your stuff

[MaggieMoo]

Nacian, you keep those compliments coming love. I can take all I can get these days. Ha ha.

[Nacian]

haha...I speak but the truth Maggie.
your style of writing is almost medieval, theatrical in fact ..wouldlook very much forward to your next peoms..

[feralpen]

line 10 ... would you consider 'scourged' for scorched? To me it sounds more deserving of your 'he's' retribution.

[MaggieMoo]

Hey, you toying with me now... Ha ha

Meh... I'll keep you Posted.

[MaggieMoo]

Thanks feral... Sorry I missed your post. I'll keep that in mind when editing.