Thread: Alone on a Plain

I lie on my back
Look at the stars
And wiggle my toes

I stare up at them with the same
Void and mechanical look of a cow
I saw earlier, munching on grass
in an endless Green field where I thought
he could eat forever
If only I could digest forever

Instead
I just wiggle my toes.

I'll start with the fact that cows are always she - That's the pedantry out of the way.

I really like the core of this, but there are a couple of suggestions I would like to make.

I lie on my back
Look at the stars
And wiggle my toes


I stare up at them with the same - They are stars, you are lying on your back, you couldn't help but look up.
Void and mechanical look of a the cow - Void & mechanical just don't sound right, vacuous might be an alternative
I saw earlier, munching on grass
in an endless Green field where I thought
she could eat forever endlessly - To avoid using forever at the end of successive lines.
If only I could digest forever - I'm not at all sure about digest, I think you need to eat, but using another word in the previous line.


Instead
I just wiggle my toes.


Alone on a Plane ............... Think about it

I lie on my back
look at the stars
wiggle my toes


Stare up at them with the same
vacuous look of the cow
I saw earlier, munching grass,
in an endlessly Green field where
she could endlessly feed.
If only I could eat forever


Instead
I just wiggle my toes.


You are, of course, at liberty to ignore everything I have said.

I really like this one and to be honest, I didn't have a problem with the double use of 'forever'. I thought that it made a good point, that the concept of forever is very hard to digest. And looking at the stars is very much like looking at forever. Just my take on it.

Thanks for the suggestions! Also, excellent point that "cows are always she".. oops!