Thread: Children

Low lying mist
clings to meadows
as we crawl along the M1*
stuck in heavy traffic.

The day promises
white heat
rare for October’s start.

The laden car protests
at the uphill climb
as we pass through Buckinghamshire.

In the back seat,
squashed between her
clothes, books and kitchenware
my daughter chats
excited to reach her destination.

She’s grown too fast
eager to stretch wings of independence
while I want to hold onto the child
still inside.

I can’t, of course.


*Note: the M1 is the oldest and I think longest motorway in England. It goes North from London.

how beautifully written is this....very well done...I enjoyed it !

I have to add I do not like motorways and travelling with children at the back can be a handful!!

Nicely done. I'm guessing your daughter is moving out?

Thanks for your thoughts Nacian and Niklas. Yes, my daughter left home to go to uni a couple of weeks ago. She is loving it, which makes the departure easier for me. But it is so quiet at home.

Well done.

The last line breaks the spell for me, though -- I think I'd prefer to be left in the pause after you tell us you'd like to hang onto the child still inside.

I also find it interesting (not in a bad way) how this poem wanders and builds to its point. First we are thinking about mist, then about crowded roads, then about weather, then about belongings, then about your daughter, and finally about you and your relationship with her. I like this progression -- as it expresses your hesitance to reach the issue that you're hesitant about. Perhaps play this up even more somehow?

Keep it up.

One nit: I must respectfully disagree with j.w. here; I love the last line, but I think you need a comma so that it reads: "I can't, of course." It reads kind of weirdly without that little pause, I think. Otherwise, I agree with his (her? sorry, j.w.) assessment of the poem, about how you created a feeling of reticence. Nice work here.

Thanks very much j.w. and Bachelorette. I guess that's the way my mind drifts. I'll add the comma.

Thanks Shadows... you really got me thinking about my own (fully fledged) children scattered to the corners of the globe

I like the idea and the way it builds, as JW pointed out, to its point, but I think it could be better.

My main problem is that the imagery, although there, is a bit blatant and 'telly' for instance:

In the back seat,
squashed between her
clothes, books and kitchenware
my daughter chats
excited to reach her destination.

Such potential in this image, yet it is handed to us so easily there is no discovery. Is there a simile that describes the way she looked, rather than or in addition to "squashed between"? Did you see her childlike among the trappings of adulthood? Was she exited to reach her destination or was she exited about entering a new phase in her life? Is there an image that can leave that ambiguous so both meanings are possible?

She’s grown too fast
eager to stretch wings of independence
...

You have told us everything rather than shown us. "Stretch her wings" is a cliche that means become independent, then you told us "of independence". I'd rather see those phrases replaced with an original image that allows us to discover the same thing.

Hope I helped, please don't be discouraged. The idea and arrangement is really good. With some tweaking this could be great.

I agree with vangoghsear. I think you can do more with the image of the moment. I love the pacing and the scene, but I think, especially the lines pointed out above, there can be more of a pay off.

I love that you added the comma. I think that helps a lot. I think you should add more commas throughout this. There are points where I was confused because of the lack of punctuation.

Tighten it up a tad, and it will be splendid. Very good so far!

Thanks zootalaws. It's hard when your children are so far away.

Thanks Vangogshear and Squalid Glass - I'm not easily discouraged and the whole point of posting is to look at areas that could be improved so as to end up with a better poem. I'll look at the areas you highlighted and see if I can make them stronger visually.

As an empty nest mom--I can sooo relate to this cleverly written poem.Loved the soft wistful feeling you created.Admirable restraint you showed, for not going the melodramatic route ... Wonderful! peace...Jul

A nice poem, shadows.

She’s grown too fast
eager to stretch wings of independence
while I want to hold onto the child
still inside.

I sometimes wish I could hold the child inside myself too.
Thanks for sharing.

Thanks very much firemajic and candid. Reminds me I still need to address some of the points raised about the poem.