Thread: Psalm #9

for John Lennon

I was born
the same year Lennon was shot.

He was forty when he died.
I was zero when I lived.

He promoted peace and love.
I was a terror to my sisters.

He found his so-called soul mate.
I have never had a boyfriend.

His mother had him, but he never had her.
My mother had me, but later she lost me.

His father left him, but he never left his father.
My father was always there, watching TV, not me.

He was wealthy but said: Imagine no possessions.
I am poor, and try not to imagine no possessions.

He was the walrus. (Or was that Paul?)
I’m the schizo. (Or was that me?)

He didn’t believe in God.
I do, but does He believe in me?

He said, Love is all you need.
I say, Love is all I want.

He died before he got old.
I am old, and only now, finally, beginning to live.

_______________________

I know we're not supposed to bash our own writing before anyone even responds, but I'm posting this because I really want it to be improved, but I don't know how to do so. Any suggestions anyone wants to give will be very much appreciated. Thanks~

I like the concept of this, the parallels or not between you and John Lennon

I was born
the same year Lennon was shot.

He was forty when he died.
I was zero when I lived. <--I don't think you need this verse. It kind of repeats what you have already said about being born the year he died.

He promoted peace and love.
I was a terror to my sisters.

He found his so-called soul mate.
I have never had a boyfriend.

His mother had him, but he never had her.
My mother had me, but later she lost me. <--maybe "but lost me"

His father left him, but he never left his father.
My father was always there, watching TV, not me.

He was wealthy but said: Imagine no possessions. <--I think it was more "imagine not needing to have possessions" I also think you maybe need a stronger contrast in your own life to that line.
I am poor, and try not to imagine no possessions.

He was the walrus. (Or was that Paul?) <--this made me chuckle. It was indeed John who wrote about the Walrus, a reference to Lewis Carroll's Alice through the looking glass
I’m the schizo. (Or was that me?) <--maybe "or is that me"

He didn’t believe in God.
I do, but does He believe in me? <<--good line

He said, Love is all you need.
I say, Love is all I want.

He died before he got old.
I am old, and only now, finally, beginning to live. <--for me this doesn't work as Lennon was forty when he died and as it was 1980 you can only be 31 so not even the age Lennon was

Hope something helps

Thanks, shadows, for your remarks. Just two quick things:

He was the walrus (or was that Paul?) <-- I said that because in another song ("Glass Onion" on the The White Album) he says, "Well here's another clue for you all/The walrus was Paul."

As for the last two lines, I meant "old" symbolically. Lennon, I felt, even though he was older than me, was young at heart, and stayed that way even through middle age. I, on the other hand, feel old despite being about ten years younger than him (I won't get into details here) but despite feeling old, I feel like I'm finally beginning to live life the way it ought to be lived. But I understand your confusion, so I will find a way to reword it so that it conveys my idea better.

Your other points are valid, and I will take them into consideration when I rewrite this. Thanks again~

I enjoyed the poem -- I think some consistency in tone might improve it in my ears... As I read it there were serious and silly parts, but since it's all couplets, there's not a lot of transition between the different feelings. Do you mean it to be serious overall? Or playful overall? Or are you set on it being a mix?

(Unrelatedly, I just noticed your signature. Tom Waits is the king.)

Ideally, j.w., it's supposed to be a mix, but I agree with your assessment, so I think when I do the rewrite I'll begin with the silly stuff, and then get more serious as it goes on, so the progression might feel more natural. Thanks for commenting; that really helps a lot.

Originally Posted by j.w.olson

(Unrelatedly, I just noticed your signature. Tom Waits is the king.)

Quoted for truth. (I know no one says that anymore, but whatever!)

I love where you are going with this, I can't wait for the final rewrite, good luck! Peace...Jul

<--I think it was more "imagine not needing to have possessions"

I hope someday you'll join us / And the world will be as one / Imagine no possessions / I wonder if you can...

I'm with bachelorette on this

Dream #9 - One of my favorite Lennon songs. I applaud you for having great taste in music (:

Did you write this while listening to the song? If not, I'd suggest you do so. It almost seems like you're trying to nab a similar tone. Granted, that's a difficult thing to do with such a great piece of art as the song. But I think you're close - you just need a little cleaning up. Also, I think this needs to be a poem of address.

Originally Posted by Bachelorette

for John Lennon

I was born
the same year Lennon was shot. Say "you" instead of "Lennon". Make this a poem of address; I think it'll add to the impact.

He was forty when he died.
I was zero when I lived. This seems like a nonsense image. I think you should break the form here. Keep the previous line except change "he" to "you". I say you don't need this line though. You already communicated this information to the reader.

He promoted peace and love.
I was a terror to my sisters. I love this couplet, except for the word "promoted". Lennon didn't promote. He lived.

He found his so-called soul mate. Judgement here. To Lennon, Yoko was everything. I'd leave it at that.
I have never had a boyfriend. Maybe - "I never met mine" or something along those lines. This line might work as is, and it adds to the contrast, but I don't know. I could go either way on it.

His mother had him, but he never had her. Very nice use of the song.
My mother had me, but later she lost me. I would change "later" to "then".

His father left him, but he never left his father. I don't think "father" needs to be repeated. Just use the pronoun.
My father Mine was always there, I think you should get rid of the comma watching TV, not me.

He was wealthy but said, "Imagine no possessions."
I'm am poor, and try not to imagine no possessions. This double negative is very confusing to me.

He was the walrus. (Or was that Paul?) Solid
I’m the schizo. (Or was that me?) I think this parenthetical could be a little stronger. Use a little wit here - right now I don't think it's as crazy as you can make it.

He didn’t believe in God.
I do, but does He believe in me? Nice

He said, "Love is all you need."
I say, "Love is all I want."

He died before he got old. "Got old" is awkward. Look to rephrase.
I am old, and only now, finally, beginning to live. I don't think this is a powerful enough line to end on. I think you can do something better. What did Lennon mean to you? How does his life make you long for something more?

_______________________

I know we're not supposed to bash our own writing before anyone even responds, but I'm posting this because I really want it to be improved, but I don't know how to do so. Any suggestions anyone wants to give will be very much appreciated. Thanks~

This poem is really a work-in-progress, nowhere near as "finished" as a piece usually is before I post it. And I admit, I am having a really hard time with the rewrite, but you've given me something new to think about, Glass. These are great suggestions. Thanks much~