Thread: Inside

It's dark, it's lonely.
Just the way I like it.
Do not disturb me.
Leave me be.
I like it here,
I feel safe.
Warm and soft.
This empty, hopeless hole.
Inside.

This has that "Pink Floyd" feeling, you are most likely too young to know "Comfortably Numb" by Pink Floyd. One line in his song--"hello-hello--is there anybody in there, just nod if you can hear me"[love that song} The first 3 lines are classic Pink Floyd. This has alot of melancholy feeling to it, and I relate to it, well done. Peace...Jul

Thanks Firemajic. I feel this way sometimes and the funny thing is, I enjoy it. (now I sound crazy)

"It's dark, it's lonely.
Just the way I like it.
Do not disturb me.
Leave me be.
I like it here.
I feel safe.
Warm and soft.
This empty, hopeless hole.
Inside."

S.M. You have a gift for expressing deep feelings so succinctly. I really related to what you've written. So often, I feel safe in the quarters of my mind. No distractions, interactions with others. Curling up with ones self can indeed feel warm and soft.

Your ending has a very clever twist. After having described a very personal kind of home you bring us:

This empty, hopeless hole.
Inside."


In order to make this ending even more impactful, I would reconsider your first line:

"It's dark, it's lonely.


I would replace lonely with another word or eliminate it altogether. Let us hear about the empty, hopeless hole at the end with no foreshadowing.

An excellent piece, my friend. SM

Thank you SM. I am looking for another word, but to me lonely just fits so well. I'll keep searching though. I appreciate the complements, they make me feel better about my writing.

very short and very astitue and to the point.
I would ve put more 'light' into it but that is just me

Originally Posted by Nacian

very short and very astitue and to the point.
I would ve put more 'light' into it but that is just me

Thanks. This is a dark poem though

Originally Posted by S.M. grimbldoo

It's dark, it's lonely.
Just the way I like it.
Do not disturb me.
Leave me be.
I like it here.
I feel safe.
Warm and soft.
This empty, hopeless hole.
Inside.

I like it, but it could be better at making us feel what you are describing.

The way to do that is with more imagery. For instance, the first line could be an image to pull us deep into that black velvet lined closet you are describing. Where you can reach out and feel the warm soft walls as your hands sink into the welcoming fabric. Imagery forces the reader to make the connection, so they actually think about your poem, then they feel it.

Thanks for the advice. I wrote this poem purposely without imagery so I wont be adding any, but that is still a good idea. Again, thanks.

S.M. Perhaps another on the same theme with imagery someday.

I enjoyed the read. I like spartan verse.

I'll see what I can do, but I make no promises

Interesting contrast between emptiness and comfort. You could probably go deeper into the feelings for a stronger impact.

A few thoughts, just my opinion so use or lose as you wish.

It's dark, it's lonely. <<--I think as this is a minimalist poem you could leave out the second "it's". Is loneliness a state people like to be in or is it being alone? Personally I hate being lonely but can cope with being on my own (just).
Just the way I like it.
Do not disturb me.
Leave me be. <<--leave me be and do not disturb me say the same thing so I wonder if both are needed
I like it here.
I feel safe. <<--you could change the full stop to a comma after "here" and say "I like it here, feel safe."
Warm and soft.
This empty, hopeless hole. <<--I find the leap from warm and soft to empty and hopeless quite hard to make. It doesn't feel hopeless or empty. What is it that makes it safe? Not comfort? Is it familiarity?
Inside. <<--it's in your head rather than your body

Thanks Shadows.

leave me be and do not disturb me say the same thing so I wonder if both are needed

Putting them both emphasizes the want for seclusion.

you could change the full stop to a comma after "here" and say "I like it here, feel safe.

Thanks, I missed that.

I find the leap from warm and soft to empty and hopeless quite hard to make. It doesn't feel hopeless or empty. What is it that makes it safe? Not comfort? Is it familiarity?

This is a psychological thing that people actually feel, they just like being alone, they like the depression.

It's quite an abstract piece. I think I get the feeling you're describing, but it's quite hard to relate. I agree with vangoghsear that imagery would do it good. Either that or make it even more minimalistic, cutting away all excess words and phrases...

I also agree with shadows, that 'warm and soft' is quite a sudden contrast. If I understand your poem right, it would be sentiments more like 'secure' and 'safe' that you're looking for.

I hope it helped.

Originally Posted by Martin

I also agree with shadows, that 'warm and soft' is quite a sudden contrast. If I understand your poem right, it would be sentiments more like 'secure' and 'safe' that you're looking for.

Thanks you for the feedback. I feel that my original choice of words fits the poem so I wont be changing it. But still, thanks.