Thread: Misrung

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Note:
This is a short thing that I generated recently. Critique away...
Is it too vague? Does it make enough sense? Too intangible? Should I get a better title?

j.w.olson..this is perfect for me.
I like shortish poems because they are easy for me to handle if you see what I mean.
I am not understanding your second stanza..
I much prefer the first and last ones because although descriptive they are still there to be exploited.
so I enjoyed reading it and almost felt like skipping the first line of your second stanza after rereading it again and again.

Please--do not change a single word! this is bewitching, It has a subtle ,breathless quality that --I am afraid you will lose if it is changed...3rd stanza--
"I would climb a ladder, if I could build it strong,
of pencil stubs and broken lines"...Oh, this is poetry , In it's purest form --distilled and boiled down to the beautiful essence of your thoughts... Absolute perfection! Thanks for making my day, Peace...Jul

A good poem, though I'm not keen on the title.

A few thoughts, use or lose as you wish.

Blank paper rises -- an unscalable wall
across the path of my perfect poem.

<<--Lovely strong first verse though I think I would change the layout to:

Blank paper rises;
an unscalable wall
across the path of my perfect poem.

I might also question whether you need "rises"

The blood in my fingertips brushes a beautiful truth,
which my alphabet fails to hold.

<<--love the idea of your fingertips brushing a truth. However, alphabet doesn't work for me, maybe vocubulary or "which language fails to hold".

I would climb a ladder, could I build it strong,
of pencil stubs and broken lines <<--delete "and"
and all that I do wrong.

Nacian -- I don't quite understand what you mean about exploitation, but thanks.

Firemajic -- Thanks, though I am fortunate that perfection is not achievable; it means I still have hope. I will find ways to improve. The whole message of this poem hinges around the non-attainability of perfection.

Shadows -
1. Yeah, I'm really not keen on the title either, but I haven't found anything else that's suitably relevant, short, and non-redundant. I'll keep searching.
2. Your layout suggestion for the first verse made me smile; that was its original layout, I just changed it to make the stanza length consistent at two lines. I'll note your support for that version, however, and reflect.
3. I think "vocabulary" is a little thick in my mouth here (too many syllables, I could say), but "language" fits perfectly and makes a little more sense than "alphabet." Thanks!


Also, I have a simple question: Which of these lines would be better in this poem:
"I would climb a ladder" or "I would climb the ladder"

I think it is great. I imagined the blue lines of a lined paper as the rungs of the ladder when you mentioned that part, although looking back, I think you meant to make a ladder of pencils. Very nicely done. Soemtimes short poems can hold a lot more power than things drawn out.

Definitely, IMO, "climb a ladder."

I'm actually okay with the first line unbroken (especially if you take out "rises"), but I agree with the rest of what shadows said. I like this very much. Thanks for sharing.