Thread: This Hand: Not for Holding (Graphic Language)

My fingers, take them
They've done me no good

Pens have crumbled, ink gone dry
Typewriters broken by careless rage

No sense in trying to stir the masses,
I'll just stick my stumps in ink wells
and make black blots like Rorschach

They're calloused and worn,
cut and broken, joints dislocated

No woman wants these steel bones
feeling up their smooth thighs

I'll cut 'em off for ya if ya want,
No problem, here's all ten, Hell
I'll give ya both hands

Thought ya could always use a "helping" one,
let them tend the flock and feel the fleece

They'll turn green for ya, help plow the furrows
to replant the souls harvested by the scythe

It's tired of holding,
papers, pens, hands, tits, my cock,
blood, burden, the broken back of God

I insist, keep every digit,
except my annula'ris

That belongs around the neck of Beatrice,
I've promised it to that Goddess long ago

Splendid!

The first five stanzas were my favorite; there seemed to be something of a shift to informality after them, though I still like lines here and there throughout.

A few questions/comments:

1. Some times you capitalize, sometimes you don't. You've got commas and mostly capitalized first letters of sentences, but no periods. Which is fine, but just saying.

2. Image in the third stanza is the best in the poem. Any way you can reference the Rorshach blots again by the end?

3. The informality of "ya" as opposed to "you" does not work for me here.

4. Can the poem get even more compact? Many of the pronouns can be removed... so
"They're calloused and worn, / cut and broken, joints dislocated / No woman wants these steel bones / feeling up their smooth thighs"
can be:
"Calloused and worn, / cut and broken, joints dislocated / No woman wants steel bones / feeling up their smooth thighs"

5. Why "annula'ris" instead of just "annularis"?

6. Who is Beatrice? The soul-guide from Dante's Inferno? I can find no goddess by that name.

All in all though, this was a wonderful pleasure to read. Thank you! I hope my comments help -- do what you will with them.

I did start reading but then got a bit put off as some language..so there you go...that's me.
then I looked again at the title... was that a warning is my question?

Originally Posted by Nacian

I did start reading but then got a bit put off as some language..so there you go...that's me.
then I looked again at the title... was that a warning is my question?

Perhaps it could say "adult language," but I had thought Hoot gave a fairly clear warning already.

thank you j.w.olson..I did not get it as a warning..I thought it part of the title.

J.W. - Comment about compactness and the removal of pronouns is spot on and so wonderful. That stanza was turned into stone thanks to you, it reads, at least to me now, perfect. Yes, punctuation is awry, it's my greatest fault. Annula'ris instead of annularis because annula'ris is refering to the ringer finger. Beatrice as the symbol of love, muse and thus goddess to poet or artist. About the rerefrencing Rorscach, I'm not sure, something I'd need to work with but don't know if it goes with main thought of poem. More of just a conjured image rather than essence.

Nacian - I apologize completely, honestly, and sincerely. I figured putting (language) in there would have been clear as all poetry contains language and that would have been rendundant, I'll put (adult language) from now on to clarify. No worries.

Hoot08 absolutely no worries..my fault for not understanding your title.