Thread: Prey (Adult Content)

Smiling guise, mask for all seasons,
hides evil lurking within.
Gentle caresses upon beefy back
precede plunge of proverbial knife.

Bullseye painted from across the room
as soot hued eyes brushed over
then settled.
A sultry stretch of lips sealed the deal.

Words dressed to impress
like lovely lyrics
danced into desperate ears,
tempting a starving psyche
to believe the impossible.
For weeks misleading,
all the while kneading,
a fragile ego
until a mind was owned.

Then arsenic phrases, dripping with disdain,
accompanied casual kicks
forcing devastated quarry
to plead for release.

The one deceived, reduced to knees,
begged for mercy.
Lord of Lies replied,
"You're your own best friend."
Slipping a noose about trembling throat
his silky whisper quelled all reticence
"I've stationed your chair."

Leaning lazily upon the jamb,
he fondles bulging crotch
as legs adangle twitch their last.
He dreams of fun to come
marring the virgin bullseye
(just this morning tagged but not yet bagged)
slated to be seated
across him at lunch.

So much to do before noon.
Sharp switchblade swiftly slices
through strained hemp.
Stew meat is schlepped by feet
to the walk-in freezer.
Date is quickly carved across corpulent loin.
His guarantee of fresh flesh must be upheld.
Satisfied customers frequently seek
to "come again".

Leaving for the bistro softly singing
"a hunting I will go"
his smiling guise is coaxed into place.
Fake gaiety oozes from his pores,
the best lure
for his unsuspecting prey.

Such abundant fair game
so blissfully unaware
of perpetual open season.

This really sucks.

I beg your pardon? It would be helpful if you shared what sucked.

Wow, this is pretty dark! I really liked some of the imagery in it, like "For weeks misleading, all the while kneading, a fragile ego"

I got lost! I like your writing but I got confused quickly.

Originally Posted by Higurro

Wow, this is pretty dark! I really liked some of the imagery in it, like "For weeks misleading, all the while kneading, a fragile ego"

For future reference, it's written like this "For weeks misleading/all the while kneading/a fragile ego"

Originally Posted by Kamisama

This really sucks.

Yes, do explain why this sucked.

Originally Posted by Kamisama

This really sucks.

1. This is rude and uncalled for.
2. It's not constructive and could be deemed spam and a flame, and I'm sure neither of which are allowed on this forum.
3. The statement is incorrect.

This does not suck at all. Lisa, you have a way with words, and this piece was a fiery journey to say the least. Well-executed, as always.

I really liked this:

all the while kneading,
a fragile ego
until a mind was owned.

We get an idea of image, and there's this tension that radiates through your words. I like it.

Also loved the parenthetical here:

(just this morning tagged but not yet bagged)

What I can offer you constructively is that it does get a bit wordy at times. And I think the problem is that you seem to have a need to add an adjective or adverb for each aspect of the poem. I'll use one stanza as an example:

So much to do before noon.
Sharp switchblade swiftly slices
through strained hemp.
Stew meat is schlepped by feet
to the walk-in freezer.
Date is quickly carved across corpulent loin.
His guarantee of fresh flesh must be upheld.
Satisfied customers frequently seek
to "come again".

Obviously some of these are necessary for the image like "walk-in" for the freezer, but I feel like all of these extra words are adding a lot of weight. I'm not suggesting you cut them all, but maybe some trimming would do the trick.

Always a pleasure, Lisa.

Bay

Originally Posted by Chester's Daughter

I beg your pardon? It would be helpful if you shared what sucked.

tl;dr

Originally Posted by Kamisama

tl;dr

???

I like your writing Chester's Daughter. I just wish I could understand it XP

Okay, folks, I have to hand over the laptop to my son who has an English honors paper to write, so I must be briefer than I'd like. As per Kamisama's reply, I will be removing every t,l,d,r, and semicolon. Perhaps then it won't suck anymore. lol. I know this piece is not for everyone, in fact, it's not for very many. It's an old piece that I brought back in the spirit of horrifying for Halloween. There will be others this month, hopefully those will be better received.

Dear Higurro, Thank you, hon, and yes it is dark, which I happen to love. I'm glad you liked that line, it's one of my favorites. Appreciate you finding something positive to say, love.


Dear Bay, Danke for your support, my dear, I truly appreciate it. Glad you liked the kneading line and as well as tagged/bagged, two of my favorites. I'm elated that you really got this as I intended, fiery journey made me smile happily. And you're are completely correct about the descriptive words, way too many. As I said, it's old, and was written before I learned that too much description actually weighs a piece down. I was going to remove most yesterday before posting, but if you look you'll see that most contribute to sound in one way or another. I may have gotten the descriptive monkey off my back, but I'm still a sound junkie. I just couldn't bring myself to cut them. What I will do as soon as time permits, is the cut them and post an edit directly under the piece, that way I can have it both ways, how's that for selfish? lol. Thanks so much, love.


Dear S.M., Thanks so much, sweetie, for your support, and for your interest. My son is screaming for the laptop, so I have to keep my explanation brief. Okay, this piece is about a predatory serial killer who actually gets his victims to kill themselves. He is also a butcher that sells meat to cannibals, on the black market, I suppose, lol. He preys upon obese women, seeks them out, pumps up their egos, makes them fall in love, and then turns on them. He abuses them until they can take no more and then he encourages them to commit suicide, which they do. He then sells them as dinner. Hope this helps, love. As I said, this is too dark for most, and as everyone will soon see, I like to write these little stories. I think most are appropriate for an October fright fest as I feel the depravity of the human mind is far scarier than any ghost.

Many thanks my lovelies.

Best,
Lisa

I didn't even notice the tl;dr