Thread: The Righteous Man

_{The Righteous Man (new version, edited from suggestions by posters below)}

It is good to help the needy,
so he gave hundreds to the poor
to buy cheese and socks and soap,
and did good deeds for all he met,
for Jack was a righteous man.

A sad old man slumped on a bench.
Jack gave the man his coat.
His face was scarred and sullen,
and he was missing his left foot.
Jack offered him his lunch.

The man sat staring into nowhere
with hollow eyes and soul.
Jack gave him a dollar,
for generosity is good,
and Jack had much to give.

The old man mumbled he was a hero
with many stories to tell,
and he gave the man a flyer
about the hot meals program,
for Jack was a righteous man.

His neighbor was old and brittle.
Life held little for her now,
so Jack fixed her roof for free.
She grabbed his hand and said, “Sit down,”
and he reupholtstered the torn worn chair.

She said she once was young like he,
and told tales of romance long gone
when she wore pearls in her hair
and a long blue gown
and shared kisses under the moon.

He caught the last few words
as he returned from oiling a hinge
then asked if she needed anything.
“Yes, my heart is so empty I cry.”
Jack brought her a stool for her feet.

She reached out to touch him,
but he got up to leave,
for he had so many more to help,
so much more to give,
for Jack was a righteous man.


_{The Righteous Man (original version before edit)}

It is good to help the needy,
So he gave hundreds to the poor
To buy cheese and socks and soap,
And did good deeds for all he met,
For Jack was a righteous man.

A sad old man slumped on a bench.
Jack gave the man his coat.
The man’s face was scarred and sullen,
And he was missing his left foot.
Jack offered him his lunch.

The man sat staring into nowhere
With hollow eyes and soul.
Jack gave him a dollar,
For generosity is good,
And Jack had much to give.

The old man mumbled he was a hero
With many stories to tell,
And he gave the man a flyer
About the hot meals program,
For Jack was a righteous man.

His neighbor was old and brittle,
Life held little for her now,
So Jack fixed her roof for free.
She grabbed his hand and said, “Sit down.”
And he reupholtstered the torn worn chair.

She said she once was young like he,
And told tales of romance long gone
When she wore pearls in her hair
And a long blue gown
And shared kisses under the moon.

He caught the last few words
As he returned from oiling a hinge
And asked if she needed anything.
“Yes, my heart is so empty I cry.”
And he brought her a stool for her feet.

She reached out to touch him,
But he got up to leave,
For he had so many more to help,
And so much more to give,
For Jack was a righteous man.

copyright © 2005 Phyllis Stewart

I wrote this five years ago, and just now dug it out of some old files.

Not sure if I got what you intended, but I believe I did. Quite frankly, I walked away with a wee bit of distaste for Jack. He never really listened to or spent quality time with either the man or lady and providing material assistance does not a righteous man make. But I believe that is point of the piece. It was their souls that needed tending, to listen to them and offer emotional succor would have surely have better placed him on the road to righteousness. Thought provoking, love, I like that best in a piece. As for nits, I found all those caps terribly distracting, I suggest you consider removing some, hon, because I kept having to reread. The repetition of man in L 1-3 of S2 is a bit much, I suggest you swap at least one out, preferably the middle one. And there are far too many ands, skim through and see if you can remove some of them. Won't be easy, you'll have to restructure to do so. This piece made me both sad and slightly annoyed, which means you've done your job well, Phyllis.

Best,
Lisa

Good afternoon, Phyllis! You’re my first review on this site, so take what I say with a grain of salt.

So, while I’m unsure whether I want to commit a stanza-by-stanza critique, I do want to say that there’s a distinct lack of evolution of character for Jack. In stanza one, you commit to the fact that Jack is a righteous man, and that never changes throughout the piece, at least as far as a materialistic righteousness goes. And you give that sort of Social-Justice-For-All political kick that is happily expected from the Chicago suburbs. But I’m left wondering if the way Jack seems to ignore the stories of the man and the woman is intentional, or if you just placed the stories in the piece for sensational flair.

Honestly, if it were me writing this piece, I would probably be guilty of the latter.

But returning to what I was picking at—or musing over, whichever—this made me think of allusions to religious texts and how society really goes about viewing ‘righteousness’ these days. It’s a material world, so the poem works. But does it need to be a material world? Is that the point you’re getting across?

Really, in the end, the last stanza bothers me as a person. But all of this is answered in the second-to-last stanza.

And asked if she needed anything.
“Yes, my heart is so empty I cry.”
And he brought her a stool for her feet.

So it doesn’t matter what we truly need, as long as material justice is had, we’re perfect people incapable of sadness or anything that could destroy us intrinsically. And so, with that point hit on the head, I want to tell you: great job.

As far as poetic content goes, you’ve got a luscious mix of dialogue and narration, imagery and anecdote, so I’m very well-pleased. The only thing that bugs me is your tendency to capitalize the beginning of every line, darlin’. It’s a common misconception that it’s needed in poetry; however, that’s not the case, and poetry should go about being written by a philosophy: write intentionally. But if there’s nothing intentional you want to slop into the capitalization, then write poetry as you’d write prose—correct punctuation and capitalization and all that jazz—and then add line breaks. Never fails.

I hope this helps, and I hope for certain you keep writing!

-Lumi

Lisa and Lumi, thank you both for your comments. Lisa, I agree with too much use of "the man" and actually already took out two of them in my rewrite, but I didn't want to use "he" when it might be confusing. With the woman, I didn't have this problem, since "she" could not be Jack.

As for the capital letters you both mention, I am 66, and this is what I learned and also taught from texts long ago – when writing in formal block form, each line of a poem needs a capital letter. So it looks right to me. In fact, I have trouble with those poems where the first letter is lower case. Just what I'm used to as an old lady. I know things change, so I'll have to try to keep up with the new ways.

Lisa, I agree that I used the word "and" too often. I did it for rhythm, but perhaps it could be reworked.

----------------

Now, as to Jack's behavior and the message behind this piece, you both got it, I think. It bothers me that our society "throws money" at problems more than when I was young. Nowadays people feel they've done their part for the needy by giving money to impersonal charities. There are programs also for running soup kitchens, building or repairing homes, and other such helpful services as well. It's just become so much more impersonal compared to what I recall from my youth. What I'm saying here is that Jack is "going through the motions" of being righteous, meaning good, in a church sense, where helping is an obligation, not a choice.

Jack is detached from the people he thinks he helps, so has no clue how to give them what they need most. His actions come from outside, not from within his heart. If his heart were behind his generosity, he would instinctively know that the old man and woman needed someone to listen to them, to know them, to care about the long life they've lived. The old have lost a lot of the family and friends who did care, and this hole needs filling. Charity cheese cannot replace the ear of a lost friend.

In summary, Jack's ignorance and detachment represent the lamentable changes I've seen in society over the decades. I use Jack to represent good intentions gone astray, the impersonalization growing all around me.

Phyllis, this is good, and as said before, thought provoking

I was half-expecting some sort of hook at the end, a revelation - but I see your overall meaning, the sarcasm.

I especially like the mixed descriptive details of "cheese and socks and soap", and also the beautiful 6th stanza.

---todd

Phyllis,

Okay. First, let me say, I'm completely with the others about the capital letters. I was taught in grade school to capitalize the beginning of each line, and the truth is that there's nothing wrong with it. If that's your style, go with it. But it's not a law, and it just happens to be a big pet peeve of mine, along with ellipses. Ha, ha. So needless to say, I'm so happy you changed that in your edit!

(One little note: The text is just a bit small on my screen. I'm young, but I'm far-sighted in one eye and near-sighted in the other, so I'm having a little trouble reading this.)

You've clearly got a gift for narration in a way that really gets your point across. I felt the detatchment of Jack from his deeds and from the people. The ending in particular really showed that it wasn't about the people, it was about being "righteous."

The only thing that really bothered me about this poem is that I was expecting some sort of twist, I suppose, at the end. The ending left me thinking, but it was something that I saw coming. Basically, I agree with Lumi about the lack of growth in Jack. The repetition didn't necessarily irk me, but I think Lisa is right in saying that there were too many, and that your point is strong enough without all of them.

I think this is a strong piece, and I look forward to more of your work.

Bay

Originally Posted by Angel101

Phyllis,The only thing that really bothered me about this poem is that I was expecting some sort of twist, I suppose, at the end. The ending left me thinking, but it was something that I saw coming. Basically, I agree with Lumi about the lack of growth in Jack.

Bay, thanks for you kind remarks and encouragement. As for the ending not having a twist, that's the whole point. Jack started out clueless and remains clueless. A lot of people are like that, sadly, going through the motions, not thinking, just doing what they were taught or told to do, never questioning their actions. Worse yet, never really "seeing" others.