Thread: 5 minute Poem

So soon, the island sparkled
In the morning dust
Light decorating the beach
Playing merrily the children laughed
At such decadent opulence
But it was deceptive
Yea Yea Yea

For without warning it turned into
Darkness
Jupiter Pluto and Mars
Assembled in their fury
Heralding the nighttimes
Despair Depression and Death

Waltzing amongst the flowers
Washing us in the dirty rain
As we Dance Dance Dance
Holding little l hands in small circles
Quick
Before we die

Oh how madly, we danced
On that Day
Surrendering to
Everything that was ours
With a wry smile
And no visible hint of defiance.

If you indeed wrote this in 5 minutes, it is an admirable effort - nice scene, very Impressionistic.

It is bumpy in places, but it is first draft - you should go through this and polish it, and give it a real title.

Also, just a thought: if some people get the impression that you spent minimal time writing a poem, they might not feel drawn to spend time giving feedback on it - don't sell yourself short by saying in essense "this is just something I threw together, that do you think?", when there is actually serious poetic talent there - : )

---todd

I don't get it. And I want to get it. Help? What I see is happy times followed by some tragic event that destroys the happiness and replaces it with the opposite. Then, in the end, everyone seems to accept the new reality of destruction and death, and stops caring. If that's even close, I still wonder what prompted it ... What's it really about? Some event?

Thanks both. I appreciate your comments/questions.

Todd - I did write it very quickly - 5 to 10 mins, because I had an image in m head, and a feeling in my soul, which I felt compelled to describe. And because I often find that the first version of the line is the precise/heartfelt set of words. Writing almost becomes writing down what "someone" had told you - to call that inspired would be grandiose, but I'm not sure what else it is. I mean that in the sense that it is not carefully constructed and refined - it is whatr it is, and if you try to reword it, it gets weaker, not stronger. Does a poem get better with revision? Or not? That is what I was wondering. So by putting it out to the community and seeing what reaction I had, I was testing that theory. The answer seems to be that a poem which is worked on and refined and crafted is a better poen BUT that 80% of the poem is expressed in the first draft. Does that make sense? do come back at me as I think it is a really important discussion about poetry - head or heart, art or craft, inspired or created etc.

Phyllis - it is bumpy, and deliberately so in content. Thing can seem fine and optimistic, but underneath the tides are negative and destructive. We flip our consciousness between one and the other. our conclusion is correct - happy - sad - resignation/apathy. And it is the apathy generated by the ups and downs of life which wears us down and is the ultimate tragedy.

Thanks again . . David

Originally Posted by Ravel

Todd - I did write it very quickly - 5 to 10 mins, because I had an image in m head, and a feeling in my soul, which I felt compelled to describe. And because I often find that the first version of the line is the precise/heartfelt set of words. Writing almost becomes writing down what "someone" had told you - to call that inspired would be grandiose, but I'm not sure what else it is. I mean that in the sense that it is not carefully constructed and refined - it is whatr it is, and if you try to reword it, it gets weaker, not stronger. Does a poem get better with revision? Or not? That is what I was wondering. So by putting it out to the community and seeing what reaction I had, I was testing that theory. The answer seems to be that a poem which is worked on and refined and crafted is a better poen BUT that 80% of the poem is expressed in the first draft. Does that make sense? do come back at me as I think it is a really important discussion about poetry - head or heart, art or craft, inspired or created etc.

I understand what you are saying, and agree with your 80/20 conclusion - for me a poem or any writing really comes first by an inspiration or idea, then it grows and takes shape in my mind, and then I feel I simply must write it out, and when I do it comes easily, almost like, as you said, writing out something you've already heard - often touch-ups only are required, sometimes more - often the most revision is with my prose, poetry comes a lot easier for some reason.

But when you ask is it head or heart, of course it is both, probably mostly heart, but there are some solid logic and techniques behind it all too.

I've written pieces that were very well received in 5 minutes, but I never say they were written in 5 minutes - but there is the rare piece that doesn't get tweaked or touched up the next day when I look at it with fresh eyes.

There is a craft and skill in writing, it is not inspiration only - we've all read folks full of inspiration who do not move us as readers, either by being too stilted, or saccharine, or didactic, or sentimental, or trite, or by simply by using bad technique to communicate their genuine inspiration. It is an art to be sure, but also a skill, a craft, that grows better with practice like anything else.

I agree also with you that going back over a first draft that flowed from inspiration, and make alterations later, often after the initial inspiration has dissapates, usually will remove the spontaneous power of the original - like an overworked and overwrought painting - artists need to know not only how to paint, but when to stop.

Those are my ramblings at this late hour - I must get some sleep, but keep the discussion going
---todd

I find it difficult to take seriously a poem which seems to have a random excerpt from a Beatles lyric inserted Yea Yea Yea... I can't see how it relates to anything, for me it spoils what could be a good poem - Explanation please.

Bloggsworth - it is a derisory, skeptical, yea, yea, yea . . . not a confirming affirming one. And certainly not a Beatles steal !