Thread: Void (poem)

Empty, so empty.
It's painful, but I can't feel anything.
What is this? Love?
Do not come in for the pain will follow!
Alas! There is no pain!
Just joy fills this space.
New found friends.
More joy.
I can fight on!
I can live!
I will not lose this again.

Blue for replacements, gray for deletions.

Empty, so empty.
Such pain,
Yet I can't feel a thing.
What is this? Love?
Do not come in,
For the pain will follow!
But this time,
There is no pain.
Just joy fills my space.
New found friends.
New found joy.
I can fight on!
I can live!
I will not lose this again.

Great title! Overall, nice effort. I just smoothed it out a bit with slightly different wording and appearance. If you need reasons for my changes, ask, but if you think about it, they should be self-explanatory.

Thanks for the advice. I like the way you reworded it and I would use it, but it kinda changes the way the message comes out and how I intended it to be.

The focus shifts after the fourth line, I think you need a break there. Also, perhaps some explanation regarding how the absence of pain is pain? I appreciate your economy of words, but a few more strategically placed would bolster an already good poem.

Dichotomy always makes for good emotional impact on the reader. Without contrasts, all we have are "grocery lists" of feelings.
Thanks for sharing that.

Thanks you Winston (lol, just thought of 1984), I understand that it is kinda plain ant very poetic, but I feel that if I alter it will change the way the message comes out.