Thread: Pride

Take a step.
Meet a friend.
"That hat doesn't quite suit you."
What? How dare you insult me?
Step again
See another friend.
"Your tie is a tad bit crooked."
Who are you to tell me these things.
Go further.
Again another.
"You should stand a little straighter."
I am better than you! Don't tell me what to do!
Take a step, but no floor beneath.
Fall, down, down, and down.
Last sight: three strangers.

the dialogue is a little clunky

SvirVolgate, yes, perhaps the examples of criticism could be better, and not about clothes he wears. Yes, that is true. But that is easy enough to fix. What is good about it though? Do you see nothing to inspire a positive comment?

Well I sure do! I am very pleased with this effort, especially since S.M. is just 15 and still learning about writing, with a long way to go. What I love about it is the plan of the poem! The use of stepping to move from one person's crit and reaction to the next threads it together well and ties the knot with the last step: "Take a step, but no floor beneath. Fall, down, down, and down. Last sight: three best friends."

Now, I have taught high school and would expect to find him falling as a set up for "pride goeth before a fall" or something far less original. But he has sunk so low (socially –losing three potential good friends) that the last step represents a deep pit... absolute bottom. This method actually SHOWS pride going before a fall, and also explains what's lost in that fall.

Now, S.M., I'd suggest you work on rewriting the criticisms the three people give. Make them a bit more personal, and don't include two about clothes. Vary the types of things that cause hurt feelings.

Thanks Phyllis. I did take this from "pride is before the fall" and I wrote it shortly after I read your pm to me about how much I had hurt you. If you notice that the speaker is given helpful advice and he gets offended by it even though, if they were offenses, they are such small matters. Also, his friends (I switched it around) have now become strangers because of his actions.

This works too. Since you turned it around, maybe you should say the word "friend" with every step, so that it's clear that all are your friends. The word "another" can also mean "another person," so it's not necessarily a friend. Without being sure the reader knows this, "strangers" has no meaning. I wish I'd read it before you told me of the switch, or better yet for the first time. Knowing how it's supposed to work keeps me from seeing it "fresh" and reacting correctly to the last line.

I edited it a bit more

Yes, I think that works fine.

SM, I haven't seen the edited version so I'll share with you that I think about what I have read. It has much substance. You reached me on an emotional level. Sometimes I can be very sensitive!

Yes. I do agree with much of what Phyliss had to say. However, I did like your approach using the hat, suit and tie as metaphors for "minor points"

Much of your poem reminded me of the poetry of Ogden Nash, who is known for his easy wit.

He would write something like you had. A point made but with incorporating an amusing quality.

This brought a big smile to my face while getting your point.

"That hat doesn't quite suit you."
What? How dare you insult me?

I hope your edited version went well but I do like your metaphors, here.

I've had writer's block for some weeks, spending my time with critique. I've been at a loss until now. You have inspired me. I'm now thinking of writing a poem about a hat, as a main character!

So, thank you for this poem. Laurie

it's amazing how things can help others isn't it?

Yes it is, SM! (Some people call me SM - SilverMoon). Because of you, I am going to write about a hat this weekend. A particular type of hat. I will PM you once I post it, hoping that you will review my piece.

Yours, SM

Will do.

Yours, S.M.

Great! Have a good night. SM

You too.