Thread: Machines Keep the Beat

Machines Keep the Beat

There was a castle in the sky
of soft white stone.
How it shone…

There was a tower in the air
of cool black rock
with a silver lock.

There was a table on the wind
creaking through the years,
soaked through with tears.

There was a cup in the clouds,
from which the white light dripped,
and a child sipped.

There was a drum in the night,
as gentle as the stones,
carved from her bones.

There was a house in the hills,
as old as the day,
before she swept it away.

There is a place in her dreams,
where an old bird sings,
and her ears still ring.

But she lives down the way,
and her room is too neat,
while machines keep the beat.

Very nice and up beat Ilasir..
I am unsure about this stenza..

There was a drum in the night,
as gentle as the stones,
carved from her bones

and I do like

There is a place in her dreams,
where an old bird sings,
and her ears still ring.

When I was a child I use to suffer from ''ear ringing'', I do not anymore thank god, ...that brought it up

I found this to be very compelling...And mysterious. Beautiful in a haunting way, 4th stanza--stunning--almost religious undertones here...You created what I call "quiet drama" -very subtle and written elegantly. Peace...Jul

Thanks for the comments.

I'm not huge on flash and bang. Quiet drama is definitely closer to what I like.

Well this one has certainly passed without much notice. Strangely I might add, since it's IMO is above the usual standard in here!

I was able to read it in two ways. For one I saw the vivid imagination we'd often connect with being a child. A fairy tale world full of lovely imagery that really swept me away.
The other way I read it, was like a story of growing up. Each stanza, more than imagery, served as a metaphor of different stages the subject has passed through during her aging.

The two 'reads' really complemented each other. Especially with the final 'coming back to reality' or 'growing up' stanza. Now I hope I got just a little bit of your intentions right? At least the way I've described it, it was a most pleasant read for me.

As for crits, I don't really have anything to offer, sorry... And nice to read you again, Ilasir, it's been awhile.

I like the mysterious quality to the poem. The descriptions sound like the girl's dream but out of her reach. Love the sound of the words

There was a cup in the clouds,
from which the white light dripped,
and a child sipped.

Also like how the lines shift from the past tense to the present in the last two stanzas, something like snapping her back to reality. Much enjoyed, thanks for sharing.

This one took me on a lovely, gentle ride. I would be very interested in what inspired this, Ilasir, very nice.

Originally Posted by Martin

Well this one has certainly passed without much notice. Strangely I might add, since it's IMO is above the usual standard in here!

I haven't been very active around here lately. I don't think I'm quite at the poin where I write such good pieces that people I've never interacted with before are dying to comment. XD

I was able to read it in two ways. For one I saw the vivid imagination we'd often connect with being a child. A fairy tale world full of lovely imagery that really swept me away.

Absolutely. I'd say fantastic rather than fairy-tale, but the vivid childhood imagination was definitely something I was trying to evoke.

The other way I read it, was like a story of growing up. Each stanza, more than imagery, served as a metaphor of different stages the subject has passed through during her aging.

The two 'reads' really complemented each other. Especially with the final 'coming back to reality' or 'growing up' stanza. Now I hope I got just a little bit of your intentions right? At least the way I've described it, it was a most pleasant read for me.

I think the growing up theme is one of those where I wasn't thinking about it as I wrote the poem, but it does fit with several of the themes I was going for. For instance, the progression towards a more adult reality.

As for crits, I don't really have anything to offer, sorry... And nice to read you again, Ilasir, it's been awhile.

Ever since getting to college, I've been finding less inspiration to write poetry. Maybe it's because I've found new distractions. But it's not something I can give up entirely. I'm hoping I'll be more active 'round here in the future.

Originally Posted by candid petunia

I like the mysterious quality to the poem. The descriptions sound like the girl's dream but out of her reach. Love the sound of the words

Also like how the lines shift from the past tense to the present in the last two stanzas, something like snapping her back to reality. Much enjoyed, thanks for sharing.

Yeah, I was going maybe for some childhood nostalgia that she can't truly reclaim. The tense shift was definitely meant to provide some feeling of motion. "Snapping back" might be giving me too much credit. I don't think I managed to sharpen the imagery quite that much. Glad that at least some of that intention got through, though.

Originally Posted by Gumby

This one took me on a lovely, gentle ride. I would be very interested in what inspired this, Ilasir, very nice.

I can't claim full credit. I blame L.E. Modesitt for this one. The Recluse Saga captures exactly the sort of nostalgia and airy imagery I've always wished I could express. This poem is but a pale reflection.