Thread: Lighter Nature

I haven't been posting much lately. I've been so busy with school. I'm in the process of putting a poetry collection together for my senior thesis and applying for a MFA program. Anyway, here's a glance at what I've been working on.


Lighter Nature


I want to believe there’s meaning
in scenery. Every brick and broom
placed to stand for something—
but it’s hard to read reality;
harder than turning Shakespeare Japanese.


What does it mean: an empty gym
and there’s only one 25lb weight;
the Wendy’s is out of large cups
and medium lids; the onions
in the grocery store are sprouting
like a dential patient that mistook Viagra
for Vicodin.


I wish foreshadowing were real—
I want the double take to tell me
who I’ll sleep with; I want
the flashlight I forgot to take
out of my glovebox to save me
from an awful wreck that ends
up in a mineshaft.


But I’ve never experienced a plot
and I don’t think I’d survive
the fall through its holes.
Real people are impaled
on thumbtacks in cubicles
not poison spears or stalagmites.

i corrected some minor spelling errors

This is a very strong poem---lots of vivid imagery. But for me--I felt a lot of chaos ...And I lost what you were saying.Maybe because it is different than Your intriguing poem "In search of lucidity". I just can't grasp this one, though. I do love your writing style--you have a unique way of seeing things and that comes through in your style of writing--which I love--and I must add-That I commented on your other poem. peace...Jul

I love the idea here! It's rather sporadic and uneven in style, and I'd prefer a smoother read, but I get the point. Very perceptive... wish I'd thought of it myself!

Some of the phrases are just perfect, such as " it’s hard to read reality;" and "I want to believe there’s meaning in scenery."I just love the last three lines!

But I’ve never experienced a plot
and I don’t think I’d survive
the fall through its holes.
Real people are impaled
on thumbtacks in cubicles
not poison spears or stalagmites.

This could be a masterpiece, I think, if you'd edit it just a bit. I'd take out the reference to Viagra and Vicodin myself, and shorten the wordier parts to make them as crisp as the last stanza, which is a wonderful conclusion.

thank you both. What is it that's keeping you from getting it btw? Is something unclear?

Please tell me the message you want your reader to understand--then I can tell you what works and where the confusion is..There are a lot of wonderful lines and images, and this poem deserves a chance. peace...Jul

I want to see meaning in things that happen in real life in the same way you would analyze a novel.

Well , I think you need to lead the reader through your poem, so that when they are through reading, they have some understanding of what you are seeing or saying, give something the reader can connect to.
I understand that the gym only has one 25 lb. weight,that Wendy's is out of lids -ect.the flashlight you forgot in your glovebox, all of that is not consistent with the last stanza--which is wonderful--there does not feel as if there is a satisfactory conclusion to this intriguing poem. Peace...Jul

I love this, Svir, and for what it's worth, I got it without explanation. It's too bad we can't sneak at look at the next chapter, yes? And I'd kill for some foreshadowing, it would save everyone a great deal of heartache. Too many original and exceptional lines to cite, love, this is a fine and powerful piece as a whole. I would have done the breaks a bit differently, but to each his own. One tiny nit, typo in dental, and I'd keep the Viagra/Vicodin, it's a great image worthy of a smile. I enjoyed this to extremes, love.

Best,
Lisa

But I’ve never experienced a plot
and I don’t think I’d survive
the fall through its holes.

I am reading this again, and it's even more delightful than the first read.
The highlighted line is brilliant. We all see holes in plots, and it bothers us as an audience. You look at this from inside, from a character's viewpoint... what a fresh perspective!

Thank you both so much. I fixed the type. I noticed that a few days ago, but forgot to edit it on here.