Thread: Shadows

I have lost everything but have gained something of greater value.
New found father gone.
Sadness has entered but I must endure and fight on.
Best friend lost.
Disdain, do not let me see you for you will breathe your last.
Destruction of innocence.
Anger fuels my steps, I WILL KILL YOU.
Robbed of sister.
Angers clouds my mind. Hate consumes. My wrath has no limit. What are you? You are nothing! I will destroy you because I can.
Enemy slain.
I have lost everything. . .

Good idea to write about this inner conflict, but could use a bit of polishing to keep from being too obvious. Hint at what you are saying rather than hitting the readers between the eyes repeatedly. Perhaps make it slightly more clear at the end, but do not tell them what the message is so blatantly, as you did in the lines "Leave me! Stay! Leave me! Stay! Leave me! Stay! I despise them yet I love them."

As much as I don't care for what I call "flowery expressions" since they are overdone in poetry, I think that's exactly what's lacking here. Play with wording, be imaginative in putting together phrases. Use metaphor and other sneaky ways to almost say it, but don't give it away too soon.

I have redone my post.

Wow! I am shocked and embarrassed at your response to Phyllis....All opinions are based on personal thoughts and ideas...and should be treated with respect....

You're right, I was being prideful, sorry Phyllis

Thank you...Very well done.

As a man, I should always recognize when I'm wrong and admit it. Pride is before the fall as they say.

I never saw the original harsh reply, which you evidently edited away, so I'm not sure what to make of the apology. However, I do like this new piece much much better. There are many good lines, and it has power in its words. Two tiny things though: 1) Spell breathe with an E at the end if it's a verb, and no E if its a noun, and 2) End with a period, not an ellipsis, unless there is a clear reason, which is rather rare.

Since you did not like my attempt to offer helpful suggestions, I think it's best if I refrain from offering any in the future. I will try to avoid your new work to prevent further hurt feelings or anger.

Spell breathe with an E at the end if it's a verb, and no E if its a noun, and 2) End with a period, not an ellipsis, unless there is a clear reason, which is rather rare.

Thanks for pointing this out, I didn't notice it. I did put the ellipses for a reason, free cookie of you guess!

Since you did not like my attempt to offer helpful suggestions, I think it's best if I refrain from offering any in the future. I will try to avoid your new work to prevent further hurt feelings or anger.

Don't do that, I actually find your advice helpful, I was just being prideful at the moment (must be hormones XD).