Thread: Scrutiny Breeds Mutiny (Mild Language)

Today a stranger stared at me
peering with ferocity
on a quest
for a lass she knew,
her grumpy grimace
reflected
I simply wouldn't do.

With her button nose
crinkled up
and pallid lips
pursed in disgust,
blinking emeralds
deliberately blurred
to contort my features,
but still she eyed
an unknown creature.
So once more,
I was spurned.

Taken aback,
and now staring back,
I whispered "Screw you",
spun on heel with zeal
to give her a rear view,
plum-faced and screaming,
"You know what you can do!".

Then I threw my shoe

shattering the stranger
whose bones still hang
from my closet door.

The gal that bitch
was looking for
is gone
forevermore.

This is exceptionally well done, one of the best bits of poetry I've seen in a while! Loved the first stanza on its own for the wonderful choice of words and phrases like "I simply wouldn't do." Perfect! Loved the rest as I read down, thinking I knew what it was about, and enjoying it immensely for the way you expressed what I took to be a brief moment with a stranger. Then the ending! Blew me away! Never saw that coming, and my mind did a 180 as I rethought the previous stanzas in a flash, fitting them with their new meaning. I was completely taken in, and thoroughly enjoyed the ride!

Just one teensy tiny thing bugs me – the title. Would prefer something simpler myself, though nothing comes to mind at the moment.

I'm very surprised that this terrific piece has not been receiving the praise it deserves. Hope it didn't get lost in the pile here. It is a pretty big pile!

Lisa knows why I have not commented on this poem yet. When she writes like this--it disturbs me, and I have to live with her poem for awhile--before commenting on it . {I get tooooo emotional about her dark side} Thankfully, she understands my strong reaction [LOL] Peace...Jul

Dear Phyllis, Thanks so much for the excavation as well as your wonderful reply. I finally got my laptop back last night and I have a great deal of catching up to do. I'm glad you enjoyed this so much, I do so love to twist and I'm elated it worked so well for you. I stink at titles, this one was no exception, I'm not particularly attached to it, so if anyone has any ideas please share. I changed it so many times before posting until it got to the point that it was sitting there waiting for lack of a title. The only thing I like about this choice is that mutiny foreshadows just a bit. Thank you again, love, the generosity of your words thrilled me.


Dear Jul, Ah my love, digest away and hopefully I won't cause you to regurgitate. I know I've been serving up some pretty foul dishes of late, for which I apologize profusely. Please know that in writing, I purge, so my dearest Jul, I'm okay, so please don't agonize over me. Whenever you're ready, hon, and if you'd rather pass this time, I fully understand.

My sincere thanks to both of you ladies for your kind consideration.

Fondly,
Me

Lisa--Lisa...First--I love your title [sorry Phyllis].Now you know I am one of your biggest fans, and I can take what you dish out. So--Having said that--I know you can take this on the chin. The last 2 poems{broth of discontent} and another one--I think you know which Poems am speaking of--were disturbing,and I have finally figured out why. They are sadly lacking your exquisite sense of humor.You could be blistering [as in your poem "dethroned"]But all the angst was so elegantly wrapped in your brilliant amusement of the situation you were describing, leaving the reader amused, and empathetic , able to connect to you,This one really is good--and I believe that you are talking about looking in the mirror --but not liking what you see--that you have been changed by circumstances beyond your control--turned into someone YOU do not like. Have I got that ? If so--than this is so clever of you. I won't say anymore until I am sure that I have not misread this poem. Peace,your friend ..Jul

Jul and I disagree on the title, and now I'll disagree with her on another aspect. That's okay, and actually good, since it proves we're not the same person (I started to wonder when I felt so at home with everything Jul wrote). I do see humor here, and I reread it with a smile... several times after I understood the twist. You wording is "tickling" somehow. Can't find the right word for it, just know that it doesn't lack humor, though it might be more subtle here than in some others.

I think we all feel like that once in a while. It doesn't last forever, though. We humans just have a love-hate relationship with ourselves ... at least I do.

OOPS! Intended to edit previous post to add that last sentence and ended up creating a new post instead.

Jul, love, mirror gazing it is, a practice I detest these days. My humor is buried beneath some unpleasant stuff I have going on that's unfortunately being reflected in my pieces of late. I always write when I'm upset, but I usually try to steer clear of the really horrible, my success is severely lacking this time around. Phyllis is right, there is a bit of humor, but it's so subtle it can be missed unless you're digging. My grrr is overshadowing my giggle. Not good, need to be more mindful of that in the future. Please don't focus on the bitter, Jul, I really am poking fun, and I really am okay, okay? And Phyllis, you're right, we all feel this way now and again, unless we're twenty, lol. I'm having a hard time dispensing with vanity because in the space of four years I've aged twenty in my mirror eyes, and the collection of huge scars and freakish triple hernia certainly don't help things. It takes a deep breath for me to scrutinize these days and I always walk, or rather run, away almost in tears. My future daughter-in-law, who is as critical as hell, insists I'm still beautiful, so maybe some of it is only in my mind. That would be a blessing. But like everything else that's wrong, eventually I'll accept it. Please forgive my very public nervous breakdown, my dear ladies, and thanks so much for your unwavering support.

Big hugs,
Me

Lisa--I went through the same kind of identity crisis --when I had cancer--lost all of my hair.chemo made me swell, and I put on about 80 pounds of poisonous fluid. and finally lost my breast--scarred and terrified--I would look in the mirror and weep, unable to reconcile what I was seeing now --to what I used to be...then reconstructive surgery brought on new and positive changes--along with weight loss--but the fear was there to stay...That I identified with your poem, goes without saying--That is probably why I failed to see the humor in your poem---I was waaaay to close to the reality. Now I look at my battle scars--and am so very thankful to be alive. There is beauty in us all..I do not doubt that you are still beautiful...I know that you are courageous --talented and that you have a brilliant sense of humor that I have always been drawn to in your insightful poetry. Hugggss. Jul

Ay, ay, ay, my dear Jul, my apologies for opening wounds, yet again. I seem to upset you so often, it distresses me greatly. You are such a kind and empathetic soul, and the last thing I want is to upset your apple cart. Please forgive me. Many thanks for those hugs and even more so for the hope your reply affords me. It's a great comfort to know I'm not alone in this, and an even bigger comfort to know that it will pass. I'm so sorry for your trials, but please know that I find you inspirational in your ability to cope. I wish I had the bucks for reconstruction, I'm reasonably sure they let the residents have at me because they were so sure I was a goner. I look like a troupe of ice skaters with dull blades used me as a rink. And not having a navel makes me less human somehow, everyone has a belly button. I'm sure losing a breast is far more traumatizing, though, so my complaints are really silly in light of your plight. Wake up call. Thank you. Like you, I do my best to see my scars as trophies of a war won, but vanity is a powerful thing. Like you, I see a stranger, like you, I'm having trouble reconciling. But this too shall pass, more quickly for the kind extension of your hand. You are far too kind to me, you shower me with such lovely words always, you rebuild what's been lost. Again, thank you, too paltry, but it's not like I can hug you for real, I'd probably break your spine, lol. There's a piece to be had somewhere in that, lol again. God bless you, Jul. Don't you go nowhere, hon, we got us a war to fight together.

Much love,
Me

Lisa--please do not apologize , If your poetry made a reader feel nothing--then IMO-you have failed as a writer.That I get emotional about your poetry--or any great poem--tells you that I have connected to the poem and it has became personal to me---Sometimes,poetry will give voice to something I was too cowardly to say...or even admit to myself...Respectfully, Jul

You're right, of course, love, poems that evoke nothing are worthless. I just wish it wasn't so personal for some readers. I feel like heel when I open others' wounds. That said, I take your replies as great compliments. I must echo your final sentiment wholeheartedly, I'm always so elated when someone else writes something I don't have the courage to voice myself, it's like have another deliver my baby, joy is mine without the pain. As per my PM this morning, you hang in there, I know I am not alone in saying we are here should you have need.

Big hugs,
Me

Sorry for only just seeing this; I wish I had sooner. I think it's brilliant, and I find it genuinely incredible when someone expresses abstract and elusive inner feelings with such poise and power. And I also like the title; it's a concept I'd never really thought about before but seems alight with possibilities now. I agree with Phyllis that when I understood the ending the first stanzas were thrown into a new light, which was a wonderfully eloquent reveal.

I loved the internal rhymes I'm trying to master those at the moment! Also good alliteration and use of punctuation, I could feel the tension and bitterness rising!!